Hang Tough

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.
                                                                                                                                                  Galatians 6:9

And that is my resolve for this final phase of our journey overseas.  I fully realize that the real journey, our true story will begin when we are melded under one roof living as a family.  But for now, the task at hand is to complete the final steps, claim her, get her new birth certificate that calls her by her newly given name of Daria (gift) Hope Degnan.  Get her a new passport, and visa and get her home, finally home.

For now though, I am enjoying my time in Germany.  Being quiet, getting rest, eating lots of carbs and taking in the beauty and peace.  Right now I sit at a comfortable table with a lovely view of the country side out the front window.  Trees are budding, little white and pink blossoms are popping out.  I hear birds chirping.  With this view, I could be just about anywhere and feel at peace.  The house is quiet, I have my coffee and my morning danish.  Me, my computer, my Bible, nearly perfect.  Just missing a few girls and my husband, then it would be perfect.  Soon, very soon.

As time has passed I have figured out a lot about myself and about God.  I have learned that no one can do "it" for me.  That "it" is grow.  Growth is painful and requires action, a response.  But the reward is immeasurable.  I look back over the past months, yes plural, months.  I see where I started and look where I am now, knowing that this is not yet complete.  I see where I have come from but yet only have a glimpse of where I am headed.  While the growth is huge, it is not complete.

Confidence is an interesting thing.  I always thought I was pretty confident, but really, not so much.  Sure, I was plenty confident in things I knew, things I could control, things I was an "expert" in.  But hanging tough wasn't always in my make up.  I never really liked it when things got uncomfortable, I still don't.  But looking back at where I was even 4 weeks ago, ready to quit and run home to my girls, and where I am now makes me realize that I have more backbone to withstand difficulties than I might have thought.  Now my confidence is in God to see me through what I don't understand, what I can't control, not in myself, my abilities, my knowledge.

It has been one full week since court.  I look back at myself that day and I was so much stronger on that day than the week before and now today, I feel like yet another completely different person.  Much more of myself, Tiffany!  My fears, while they try to creep back in from time to time, have diminished by leaps and bounds.  I now have a plan when they pop up and I actually can remember to put it into action.  The Word is my constant weapon.  Sleep comes easily and I can finish a meal.  I have even eaten dessert for the past 3 nights.

Now, I look forward to picking Daria up on Tuesday!  Accomplishing the paperwork part of things and getting back to Kiev.  Once in Kiev, then we can start doing life, in little ways.  We will be together 24 hours a day.  I will get to start really seeing her personality and she see mine as well.  I am so looking forward to having Annabelle be part of that experience, her sense of humor and perspective will be a lovely component.

Yesterday, I was able to go to a second hand store and get several outfits for Daria.  Hopefully they fit.  Still need to get a couple little items, like PJ's but we should be good to get home.  Funny looking for cloths for a child you don't really know.  I have a hard enough time picking out cloths for the other 3, each of them has such different taste, now a 4th, yikes.

As as for Germany, I wish I had more time to explore.  The little villages are amazing.  The average building here is older than the United States.  So quaint, and beautiful.  I had fun taking pictures and exploring the little alleyways and hidden walks.  People leaning out upstairs window, watching the world go by.  I can only imagine how beautiful it must be in the summer when all the window boxes are full of flowers.  Bakeries, little cafes with outdoor seating, flower shops...lovely!  Or winter with a fresh blanket of snow.

Yesterday, Annabelle had her German school experience and some adventures riding a bike that was much to big for her.  Gave her some funny stories to share at dinner.  We settled in and watched a movie last night.  She has been an amazing travel buddy.  I love getting to spend one on one time with her, something I am going to have to do a better job of with each of the girls now.


Today I think some more exploring is in order.  We are staying in a village named Korb.  Above town, the hillside is covered in vineyards.  They are divided into plots so to speak.  Each owned individually, kind of like a community garden.  I want to go up and take some pictures and enjoy nature.  Nancy has plans to take us to another town which from what I understand is even better than where we went yesterday.  Then tomorrow we head into Stuttgart to explore the city center.  Sunday, Kiev!

We have had no word of any family showing up to see Daria, no surprises to this point.  I do wonder how she is doing? She has been on her spring break this week and from my understanding, will not go to school on Monday.  But I kind of hope they change their mind on that.  It would be good if she could say good bye.

At home, the family is doing well.  They are keeping up the courage, and therefore so can I.  Spring break starts tomorrow and then is Easter.  And maybe, just maybe we can all be together by the next weekend.

For me, for now, I am soaking in the distraction.  Loving my time with old friends.   Praying for stronger resolve and courage and the strength to finish strongly the race set before me.  The ability to Hang Tough!

Blessing to each of you...missing you all!

Sweet, Sweet Sleep

Greetings from the beautiful city of Stuttgart, Germany!

Annabelle and I arrived about 6pm yesterday and have relished every moment.

Now, before I get to far let me explain that if you see what appears to be "typo's" they are most likely the result of the difference in the German keyboard and the Engish keyboard.  For example:  Annie and I had a great lunch in Yurich.  <it was fresh, and real and verz expensive.  For two sandwiches, a salad, a croissont and two beverages it was $41.00.  Yurich is beautiful, and we would of liked to have gone and explored a bit but itös not alwazs possible to do what zou want.  So, as zou can see the "z" and "y" have traded places and many other symbols are in differnt places.  The short of it, please forgive anz tzpo's and use zour imagination.

Anyway,  the trip was uneventful really.  We both fake slept on the Ukrainian International Airlines flight just to avoid the nasty sandwichs.  I will be glad when I don't have to get on another one of their flights.  They are cramped, the seats are terribly uncomfortable and it almost seems like the planes are a hand-me-down from another country. After quite a layover we got on our flight to Stuttgart, it was very funny really.  We took off, they passed out bottled water and Swiss chocolate, went straight back to the front of the plane, picked up the trash and we landed.  It was a beautiful flight, I got to see the Alps in the distance.  Some day I must come back here!  I remember as a little girl talking to my dad about going to Austria and Switzerland to go skiing.  Dad, you name the time and I am there!  We never really have had a Daddy/Daughter get awaz.  Now, I want to come back in both the summer and winter and go beyond Austria and Switzerland, I want to see Europe...Western Europe!

Some of you are probably wondering why we came to Germany.  Well, there are several reasons but the two main reasons, Lulu and the Luckhof's.  Who is Lulu?  Lulu is a lovely young lady who came to stay with us in Colorado a year and a half ago.  She was 14 at the time and just wanted to have an American experience and learn some more English.  She spent just over a month with us, and just jumped in and took on our life.  Went to school with the girls, did some catering, visited our mountains.  We loved having her and we are thrilled to get to see her in her home country and to meet her family. 

Now the Luckhof's, Friederich, Nancy and Ben.  Back in the day, I lived in Aspen, Colorado.  I was single and just wanted the mountain, ski bumb lifestyle.  My sister was living in the area so I figured, why not and moved.  It was the best decision of my life up to that point.  Many things happened there that have put me where I am right now.  First, that is were I accepted Christ.  Friederich was the Pastor of the church my sister and her family were going to, Alpine Christian Fellowship.  I started attending with them and the rest is history.  I have know Friederich and Nancy longer than I have known my husband.  Which is the second best thing to come out of my time there.  We met and married because of it.  I actually worked for Friederich as the secretary of the church for a time when Emma was a baby.  Nancy has been one of the biggest influences in my adult life, someone I respect and admire.  And even after not seeing her for 13 years it was as though not a minute had passed. 

Nancy and Lulu picked us up at the airport and from there we got to take a short train ride and see a little bit of Stuttgart.  Then we went to Lulu's house where we got to meet much of the family...who are every bit as lovely and kind as Lulu.  We were greeted with an amazing spread of food, wonderful breads with meats, cheese, fresh veggies and fruit and the most amazing cheese cake ever. Nothing like it in the states.  There was more color on those platters of food than I have seen in literally months.  Strawberries, grapes, fresh basil, hard boiled eggs, smoked meat, amazing cheese, cucumber...my tummy was very, very happy.  And the best part, the amazing fellowship with the family.  So much laughter, story telling.  It was just what my heart needed!  For that time, there was no worry about what was going to happen when I got back to Ukraine or even, back home.  I was fully in the present moment!

When we got back to the Luckhof's house it was late, 10:30pm.  We were all tired and I actually felt like that night, I might just sleep.  And sleep I did!  Unaided, restful, sleep!  A straigh 7 hours, uninterrupted.  I woke for a few minutes, my mind started going places it shouldn't and for the first time in weeks, I was able to shut it off and go back to sleep.  All told I got a good 9 hours of sleep.  For the past week, I considered 4 hours in any format a good night.  But wow, this is what rest feels like. 

When I finally pulled myself out of bed and made it upstairs the table was set with fresh bread, yogurt, granola, fruit salad, juice and coffee.  I feel blessed!

We have no agenda for our trip.  I would like to see some of the country side.  Go see the city center maybe but mostly just soak in the short distraction from what has consumed my life for the past 2 months.  I pray that this is the rest that I need to energize me to complete the task at hand and finally take Daria home. 

I am starting to see and grasp some of what God has been trying to teaching me over the past months. First, I have to let go of the control.  It would have been a whole lot less painful had I gotten that sooner.  Second, there is a bigger picture here than what I originally thought.  It is beyond adopting, while that is huge and the reason we came.  It is about perseverance, courage, and trust.  Trusting God, trusting Jamie, trusting myself.  It is about growth in my faith, my utter dependence on God.  That cry from the pit of my soul for God to rescue me.  My heart for my family has grown beyond anything I thought imaginable.  I feel like I am just overflowing with love and pride for my husband and girls.  And really sometimes that scares me because I worry about being able to show that same love to Daria.  In my heart, I know it will come and I need to lighten up on myself.  I told Annabelle yesterday, you know when I had you girls, I did that for me.  Too make me happy, but this time it is beyond that.  It is first about doing what God wants, then giving Daria what every child deserves and then about how it makes me feel.  It is kind like approaching it in reverse this time.  I loved my girls the moment I knew I was pregnant with an unexplainable love.  This time, I am choosing to love and waiting for God to bring it to completion.  Does that make sense?  It is sometimes still scary, but less and less so all the time.

For now, my family remains separated by the Atlantic ocean and big chunks of two continents.  Jamie made his final journey home yesterday.  I am sure he was absolutely exhausted, but I and also sure that he took his two Colorado girls out to dinner to celebrate Lily's birthday.  Now that I am thinking about it, I think Lily is making out pretty good with the birthday celebrations.  That would make three and counting because be certain, when I get home, we are celebrating again.

At the root, it is back to the basics.  Faith and Family, that is what this is all about.  Oh, an a little sweet, sweet sleep!

<i love zou all!

Banners Waving

I think I will keep it short today, seriously!

Had a sentimental day today...Today is Lily's 10th birthday and I am 5,600 miles away from her.  It breaks my heart not to be able to celebrate with her.  She is brave and strong and wonderful, I cried, she encouraged me.  With each event I miss I grow more and more grateful for my girls and husband.

Then, as if I wasn't already feeling weepy enough, we go to the U.S Embassy so that Jamie can sign the necessary documents for me to be able to finish things up here while he returns home.  The first thing I see when we come around the corner was the most beautiful American flag waiving high above the ground.  There was even a nice breeze that made it stand at attention, just like it were waiting for me.  I was immediately choked up and overcome with pride for my country.  It also provoked that strong pull of the American soil calling me home.  Annie was thrilled that there was a real American bathroom, with air freshener and all.

Yesterday we had our last visit with Daria at the orphanage.  Crazy really, next time we see her we will be picking her up, leaving a life as an orphan and being joined to our family forever.  We went for pizza (ugh) kinda done with pizza but her days of having any Ukrainian pizza are few so I can endure for her sake.  On the walk back we stopped at a park to play for a few minutes and then she wanted to race Annie in a good old fashioned foot race.  Funny really, Annie hates to run but she was a good sport and went along with it.  We stayed and played before we said our goodbyes.  Big bear hugs and she sent us out with blown kisses and one butterfly kiss for me.

Last night we made our true Ukrainian adventure, we traveled by overnight train in an open compartment.  Wow...lets just say, none of us slept much and I am pretty sure I now have bruises on both hips from the non-mattress sleeping experience.  Good news, we made it safely back to Kiev.

Tonight, we said our goodbyes to Jamie who flies out early in the morning.  We will follow him to the airport a few hours later to head to Germany for a few days of R&R before returning to Ukraine and finishing the task at hand.

It is always hard to say goodbye, but the good news is that this is the last goodbye we Degnan's will be having for a very long time.  Wow, just saying those words is music to my ears.  Really, we are nearing the end, the finish-line, the long hello rather than goodbye.  The last goodbye!

Annabelle continues to be a travel trooper, nothing seems to faze her.  She is loving the food and the chocolate.  She is not looking forward to the travel tomorrow, she hates going through security.  But she is looking forward to seeing her German friend Lulu.  I can't wait to see her either and my old (as in long time friends, not "old") friends Nancy and Friederich.  I have never been to Germany and am looking forward to some relaxation, hanging with friends and seeing some the local culture and scenery, all while doing it with Annabelle.  Today she even got in the act by helping our "hostess with mostess" read the water meter which was located behind the washer and dryer.  She was the only one small enough, yet big enough for the job.

I do owe a huge shout out to our friends, the Liebman's and the Armitage's...who have not only taken on the care of Emma and Lily this past week, but they are throwing Lily a birthday party tonight, gifts, cake and Rob's hot wings and all.  Bless you guys, really, we love and appreciate you all so much.  Then there are the Johnson's who took Lily for a birthday sleepover this weekend.  Thanks for stepping up when we had to step out!  I just keep coming back to how blessed we are to have so many simply amazing people in our lives.  We couldn't be doing this without you.

So with banners waving, the birthday banner and the banner of our great nation.  Both bless me!

Blooming Blossoms

Do you feel the building anticipation...

I know, I know, for the past two months you have gotten regular updates about everything from the current weather to my emotional state, but just when we get to the big climax...nothing.

Honestly, yesterday was as near to perfect as any day I have had here.  Be certain of one thing, I had not slept, really slept in days.  I was deprived of nutrition and my mind was vulnerable.  But this was the day we had been working for, waiting for, praying for and no amount of bodily deprivation was going to stop me.

Luckily, court was early in the day, 11:00am.  Having not spent much time even in a court in the states, much less in Ukraine, I had no idea what to expect.  But in reality, it was exactly as I expect.  First of all, nothing about the building appeared official.  In fact, I am pretty sure we took some random, dirt road that wandered through apartment buildings, past an outdoor market, through a gate that was barely big enough for a small car.  The building was large but showed no governmental sign.  The steps leading up to the building were badly worn, missing bricks and lopsided.  Right inside the door was a metal detector, but when we looked down there lay the plug on the floor.  Maybe it is just the "power" of suggestion?

The courtroom itself was pretty basic, small, plain.  No big official looking "bench" for the judge.  Just a table with three chairs at the front of the room.  A small desk off the one side and then two opposing tables, one for prosecutor and one for defense.  Yes, there was a prosecutor.  I don't know exactly what her role was but she was there.  With the judge sat two jury persons, at the desk was to the best of my understanding a court recorder, although she didn't seem to be recording anything.  Then we sat on left with our facilitator and then Daria (ah ha...her name) was seated on the right with the Associate Director of the orphanage and the Inspector.

We have a translator with us, but really it is impossible for them to translate everything or even part of what is being said, it is just too much, too fast.  So we just watch for hand signal to stand or sit.  Once the judge enters things move right along.  Mostly just formalities, why do you want to adopt, are you going to provide for her, do you understand the legal ramifications of this adoption, and so on.  First Jamie has to answer, give his address, age, occupation...then me.  Then she calls Daria up, she brings her right up to the bench and asks her if she has made this decision on her own and if she want to be adopted and go to America...drum roll please...she said YES!  Thats right, she said yes, the first time!  They ask her a few other questions but that was the only answer we needed to hear.  From there it was all just technicalities.  After the proceedings were done the judge and jury left the room to "deliberate" their decision.  We wait about 20 minutes for the court ruling that declares her, Daria Hope Degnan to be our daughter.

Now the story on her name.  Right from the very beginning, before we ever met her, we had learned that Daria means, "gift" and for us that was somewhat symbolic.  A gift is what we were looking for, someone that we could give a gift of hope to and that could be a gift to our family, changing the legacy of the Degnan's forever. So there it is, Daria Hope...the gift when in our sight there was no hope.

Afterward, we all went out to eat and by then it was time to return to the orphanage.  It is strange really, she is yours, but she isn't yours.  "Bye Daria, yes you are my daughter now, the court says so but you still have to stay here at the orphanage"...Now the 10 day wait starts.

I think at this point, I can finally breath, really breath for the first time in weeks.  With this realization comes the release of all this built up stress and anxiety.  No, I didn't have any kind of emotional meltdown. I know, you're surprised right?  You would all be so very impressed, I haven't really cried once this trip. A few little proud tears here or there when talking about my family.  Or when retelling the story of one of my girls getting sick just before I had to come back here.  But none of those deep heart wrenching cries.

The reality is I have been extremely weak this trip, but physically not mentally.  The trip back over really took its toll.  I hadn't even been home long enough to get over jet lag going that way so by the time I got back here, I was all kinds of messed up.  I desperately wanted and needed to sleep, but couldn't.  I even took sleeping pills, yet nothing.  It was awful, I felt so vulnerable lying awake at night with all the random, mind wandering thoughts coming at me.  I prayed, I counted, I prayed, I sang songs in my head, I prayed...still nothing.  I could fall asleep, but would be jolted back awake in moments.  The only real sleep I got was on the train, seems that my body was so accustomed to movement that that was the only time I could sleep.  But last night, after court, finally I slept.  It wasn't a through the night, deep restful, peaceful sleep, but it was sleep and all totaled it was probably about 8 hours of sleep.  What a relief!

Today was the day to meet Grandma.  Thankfully we had the full "A" team with us.  Our trusty translator and our main facilitator who up til last night we had not met face to face.  She made the journey to be with us today and I am so thankful that she did.  Originally, when I was told that we needed to go met Grandma, I was not keen on the idea.  Obviously, I knew that it needed to be done, but I didn't want to.  But when the time came around, I was at complete peace with it.  Early in the day we found out that the biological mom was at Grandma's, apparently she comes and goes.  When Daria found this out, she said she did not want to see her mom, Grandma, yes, Mom...no.  So the plan was for us to go with the facilitator and see her and Daria and Sasha would wait for word on whether mom was there or not.

We load up with groceries and candy and make our way to her apartment.  When we arrived it wasn't exactly as I expected.  While yes, Grandma was there and mom, the other grandma was there as well.  The mom wasn't at all what I expected.  First she was probably a bit older than I would have thought.  Second, she didn't look the part of the mom who would abandon her child.  Why do we have those stereo types in our head of what a given people group should look like.  Anyway, grandma was as expected, frail and old.  Although we were told that she is only 70, she looks much older than that.  She seemed gentle and kind and genuinely heartbroken at the thought of her granddaughter going so far away.  She wanted to know why we would want another daughter when we already had 3.  Why we didn't adopt from the U.S.  The whole time mom stood nearby, listening, showing us a picture or two here and there.  But never did she show any sign of emotion or even true connection to what was going on.  Grandma cried, it was obvious that her heart was heavy.

As the conversation went on, mom agreed to leave so that Daria could come in and see Grandma.  Again, it was strange, it didn't seem to bother her in the least to do so.  Thats when things got hard, Daria came in and Grandma immediately started crying.  Daria hugged her and sat with her on the bed.  Then Grandma went on to tell of how Daria's brother had become upset with Grandma for signing the letter of her consent for the adoption.  That he had told her that he would not care for her.  Then we learn that an aunt on the dads side who lives in Russia, is coming to see her and meet us.  We had been told upon meeting the first grandma that this aunt had tried to adopt her but was not permitted to, something about the size of her dwelling.  At this news the facilitator gets a bit agitated realizing that this could complicate things.  She asks when and we were told tomorrow.  Our facilitator explains that this has all been done legally and that we have spent months preparing for this.  She asks if the aunt can wait and come on April 3rd because we have to go back to Kiev to sign papers with the embassy and will return on the 3rd.  Grandma tries to call the aunt but gets no answer.  Where things are now?  Well we don't know when or if the aunt is really coming.  But the facilitator will follow up with the inspector.  So the short and the long of it is...it isn't over yet.  If the aunt comes back it could potentially halt things even though she has no legal claim.  All we can do is pray and wait and trust God.

Amazingly, I am at complete peace.  I think by this point I am truly figuring out the God is in control, not Tiffany.  Daria has stood up in court and to her family and said that this is her decision and that she wants to go.  Really, my heart broke for both Daria and the grandma.  No child should ever be put in that position.  It isn't that she is choosing "us" over "them" it is that she is choosing hope and a future over life as an orphan.  What a brave and courageous little girl.

Now...let me tell you a little about another of my daughters, Annabelle.  Here this kid spends nearly 6 weeks without her mom, I come home for 4 days and then rip her out of her normal, day to day life to fly half way around the world.  We travel countless hours on every imaginable mode of transportation, go with out food, water and any real rest and plop her right in the middle of this adventure.  What does she do?  Adapt.  When she walked into that orphanage for the first time she went straight to Daria and hugged her, welcoming her into the Degnan fold.  Then, sat through court, joined Daria in the art of pizza eating.  Today, when Daria came to the apartment to visit we all started out in the kitchen before I knew it Annie and Daria were in the room playing games on the iPod and iPad.  Neither one of them needed anything from us adults.  Then she gets to go visit Grandma with us and let me tell you, that is an intimidating thing.  First is the sheer impact of the change of environment.  A '"rich" American teen dropped right in the middle of this tiny, old apartment.  Having to watch a little girl and her grandma interact for what could be the very last time.  When we were getting peppered with questions on how we would treat Daria, Annie was right there to answer in agreement with Jamie and I.  She was engaged and involved.  Never once shied away or showed any sign of fear.  She paid attention to everything that was going on.  And she showed great compassion toward the grandma, feeling empathy for her.  It was one of those touching moments in life where you see God working through your child to bring comfort and compassion to mankind.  It was unbelievably touching to me.  Not only were Annie and Emma strong back home, she is continuing it right here in Ukraine and what an opportunity for her and Daria to bond and help offer some security to Daria as we transition back to the states.

After the visit, it was time to take Daria back to the orphanage, her home away from home for now.  The weather was beautiful today so we decide to make the walk to the market to get food for tonights dinner.  It was Annie's first real exposure to culture beyond the orphanage.  All of the ice and snow from before is completely gone and replaced with signs of spring. The people have traded their furs and heavy coats for lighter jackets (they are still parka's for us in Colorado), we are seeing more skirts (barely there skirts) and even more of the high heels.  People are out raking and cleaning up after the winter.  You can smell the fires where people are burning all of the limbs, leaves and garbage leftover from last fall.  Kids are playing at the play grounds and the moms have traded the little sleds for carriages, and the covers are even coming off the carriages.

But with the warmer weather comes "seeing" more.  I saw more intoxicated people today than I saw the entire 6 weeks previous.  Things are a bit louder, but not necessarily in a joyful kind of way.  Annie has some interesting observations of society here but I will wait to share those another time.  It is refreshing to see things through someone else's eyes, especially a young person.  I don't think we always give our kids enough credit, they are much wiser than we often think.

Weeks ago someone joked with me that I might just be here to see the change of seasons.  At the time I found absolutely no humor in that.  Now, I am seeing so much symbolism.  Not only am I seeing the true change of seasons in the natural way, I am seeing the change of seasons in my heart and mind.  Replaced is the fear and uncertainty with hope, Daria Hope, the Gift of Hope, therefore Blooming Blossoms.

So I can't really say it enough...thank you!  You have all been so faithful in your prayers, support and encouragement.  You have held me up when I have been at what seemed like the bottom.  But please, it isn't over, this 10 days is critical.  If anyone decides to stand up and oppose this, it could halt everything.  So keep praying.  God has been faithful and so have each of you!

For now, we visit one more time tomorrow before catching the overnight train (in an open compartment) back to Kiev tomorrow night.  We have an appointment with the notary and the U.S. Embassy on Monday and then Jamie heads home while Annie and I head to Germany.  We are set to return to Kiev on the 1st to start the sprint to the finish.

Continuing to walk with our hands wide open to tell a story only God can write.

Planes, Trains & Buses...and a Cute Little Girl

Well, we have stopped moving for a few days, settled back into the same apartment as before.  My body has yet to stop swaying.  Thinking tonight will be a good sleep night, even though there will be three of us sharing a bed.

Remarkable how much the weather has changed in the past week.  I haven't seen any snow or ice and in fact there is some green grass popping up and I think I even saw a few shoots of tulips outside the apartment.

We expected to meet Grandma today, but found out today that that would have to wait.  Someone needed to got prepare her for the visit.  Apparently she is quite ill.  So maybe tomorrow.

Once we got to Nikopol we headed straight to the orphanage.  We had a short visit with the director and then they went to get our daughter.  I assumed that they would have told her that the court date was changed, but she was completely surprised by our arrival.  It was sweet to see her meet Annabelle and try to size everything up.  We took a few minutes to fill her in on what tomorrow is going to look like, what little we know and what would happen after that.  Jamie was having fun talking to her in Spanish, she is really good at it.  She was bright and happy.  It wasn't a long visit, true hunger was taking over.

As we head downstairs, another kid came to tell that her other Grandma was here to see her.  That was a surprise to me.  I knew about the other Grandma, that she lived in a nearby village but my understanding was that she never visited.  As we came around the corner we were greeted by the sweet smiling face of Grandma.  She hugged our girl, stroked her hair and then started asking questions about us.  Her first question was wether or not she would be able to stay in contact with her.  Our answer, of course.  Then she wanted to see pictures of our house and family, hear about the other girls.  She wanted to make sure that we would treat her well and not abuse her.  It also gave us an opportunity to ask a few questions.  This Grandma was on her dads side, so we asked about him.  Seems like he has nothing to do with her.  Works in Russia and travels back and forth between the two countries.  He and her mom never married.  We then went on to ask about mom, and got a bit more information on that front as well.  We were able to take a picture of Grandmother and Granddaughter.  A very sweet moment. At the end she said that she had some photo's of her when she was a baby and would bring them for her to take with her.

From there we said our good bye and made our way to the apartment so we could rest and mostly eat.  From the hours of travel and lack of food, I was feeling very weak and vulnerable.  But now, my tummy is full which makes all the difference in the world for both my body and my mind.  Ahhhhh.

By the time most of you wake up tomorrow, court will be done and we will have our 4th daughter.  I don't exactly know when we can start calling her by name but as soon as we get the green light we will post a picture and her full name.  We are anxious to make it official and get started on our life together.

My goal this go around is to post "the bright side" seems just writing the good makes me feel good.  It is interesting to see things through Annabelle's eyes.  She is seeing beauty.  She was impressed with the orphanage, the train and the apartment.  Even though she is bored, doesn't have wireless internet and all the tv is in Russian.  She is another stellar traveler, not a single word of complaint.

So it is 8pm and Annabelle and I are headed to bed.  One big hurdle tomorrow then it is just a matter of time and logistics.

Blessing to all...

Boom-a-rang

Wow, what a whirlwind this past week has been.  I am not even completely sure what day it is today, to me it is yesterday but I am kinda thinking that yesterday didn't exist.  My body is literally buzzing and swaying from the 20+ hours of travel.  I sit here in Kiev, same chair in the corner of sweet Karen's apartment.  I hear the same, oh so familiar city sounds outside.  It is really hard for me to comprehend that in 6 days I have traveled across the Atlantic twice.  I am pretty sure this will catch up with me eventually.

For now, I thought I should lay out what the course of the next days and weeks looks like.  Right now it is about 10pm on Wednesday.  We are hoping to get a little sleep tonight before we have to catch a 7am train ride that will take us to Dnipropetrovsk.  After 5 hours on the train we then have a 2 hour bus ride that will take us to our destination of Nikopol.  Upon arrival, I am not quite sure how the sequence of things will go but, the end result is to take our soon to be daughter and go see Grandma.  


Naturally, I am a bit apprehensive about this meeting.  We have been told that Grandma has already given her consent for the adoption but how do you take a little girl to go see the last caregiver and family member she has.  How do you help both of them with the emotions and fears.  Of course this will be difficult.  But should it really be difficult for me?  No, it shouldn't.  This isn't about me but given my new emotional reality, it is gonna be hard.  So be praying for all of us tomorrow, somewhere around 8 to 10am Colorado time.  


Friday is the day...court day.  11am Friday morning we all have to report to the local judge.  Again, how can you not be a bit uneasy about that.  That's a big deal.  That is the day that we all say yes!!!  It is not just us that that has to say yes, this little 10 year old girl has to say yes, the judge has to say yes.  With expectant hearts...and then we wait.  The 10 day hold starts on Saturday.  That means on April 3rd we can pick her up and then she is truly ours.  


But, don't worry...that by no means means that the adventure is over.  From there we have to get a new birth certificate, passport, visa and medical clearance before we can leave the country to return to the U.S. That process can be relatively quick, or not.  I am preparing for the "not" option.  I figure that is the smartest thing for my mental health right now.  Especially since the calendar has been one of my biggest enemies through this process.  This time I am desperately trying to just ride out the storm.  


But honestly,  I am not looking at it as a storm right now.  Last week, yes...it was a storm.  A raging, out of control category 5 hurricane.  But now, I might spawn a few little twisters, but my goal is to keep my eyes on the prize, trust the Lord, know that His plan is perfect as is His timing.  I am trying to look through new eyes.  And to train my thoughts to be in alignment with the Word of God.  If I can do that, I think this part of the adventure will be just that, an adventure.  


We will be staying in Nikopol until probably Sunday but that will be dependent on the train schedule.  We have to be at the U.S. Embassy on Monday so that Jamie can sign a power of attorney giving me the authority to complete the process without him.  He will return home on Tuesday.  At that point, Annabelle and I are planning to jump back on a plane ourselves and head to Germany to wait out the rest of the 10 days.  


Mentally, I am in the best place I have been in weeks.  The trip home was worth every penny, just to wrap my arms around my girls, get a little sun and sleeping in my own bed.  Add to that all of the prayer, encouragement and love I received from my church family and friends was priceless.  I can't say I have it all together, but I can say I am working on it.  Good byes are never easy, and of course I was very teary eyed saying yet another good bye.  


What an amazing young lady you are Emma.  When this is all said and done you will have been without me for probably just over 9 weeks.  Your courage, your maturity, your strength and your wisdom have been very inspiring to me.  I love you!  And Lily our little world traveler.  She wanted to go with us.  She too was brave and tried very hard not to cry.  Honestly, I had a great cry with Emma who I feel closer to now than ever.  Lily just is such a trooper and gets the big picture.  All the girls have really helped me keep on keeping on.  They have never wavered in the purpose of this mission.  Thanks girls, you ROCK!


I suppose I best try to sleep, the boom-a-rang isn't quite to its destination.  Please pray for our reunion with our daughter.  She wasn't expecting us for nearly another 2 weeks.  I am praying that this is a good surprise.  Pray for out time with her, that it be a sweet, sweet sound to God's ears and to our hearts.  And as always, continue to pray for all of the tasks yet to be completed.  That I could fully submit to Gods plan and get myself out of the way.  Pray for my courage and resolve as well as continued safety for my entire family, here and at home.


The hands are still open, the story continues.  God's story!

Whiplash

Wow, I will have been home for less that 5 days when I board another transatlantic flight, this time back to Ukraine for a Friday court date.

Honestly, I am heartbroken to be missing Lily's 10th birthday on Monday.  And already worried that I will also miss Emma's first prom.  But in the grand scheme of things, this is good.  It means that we are two weeks ahead of what our projected time frame would have been.  It means that we are that much closer to the finish line of this part of the journey.  It means that even though there are certainly obstacle ahead, the tunnel is widening.

It has been a wonderful few days with my family.  I have cried many tears, expressed much appreciation to all the people who have been holding me up in prayer.  Got some amazing love, support and encouragement as well as great prayer.  I feel energized and a bit more prepared for what lies ahead.

While the fear is still there, it is no longer overwhelming.  It doesn't consume me to the very fiber of my being.  It is more of a back drop.  I am a bit more empowered, I have taken a bit more control of my thought patterns and given up control of the calendar.  That one is a daily struggle, I still play the tape of the things I could miss but I know that I just need to ride it out and stop fighting the storm.  The perfect storm really.  I gotta take down the sails and let God take me where he wants to take me.  And, in turn, look for the blessings along the way.  Those things God needs me to do for Him, the kingdom.  Sometimes God delivers us from the storm but sometimes He takes us through the storms.  So this storm, it shall become my story...see Steve, I was listening.

My prayer is that God would strengthen my resolve, bring peace to my heart in the midst of the storm, that He would calm the waves of fear that try to sink my ship and that I would allow God to carry me through finding joy in the journey.  Obviously, I pray for safety.  Not just for me, my husband and daughter Annabelle.  But for Emma and Lily who will be staying behind.  And for us to never lose sight of the little life we are going to rescue.

She was expecting us on April 2nd, and now if all goes as it should, I will be picking her up from the orphanage on April 3rd.  I pray that God is preparing her heart as I type these words.  I pray for Grandma, who we have to meet before court.  That she receive us and accept the gift we are offering, a hope, a future for her grand daughter.  That she not be an obstacle but grant her blessing.  I pray for the entire process, all the remaining documents.  That I trust in Gods timing and resist the temptation to push my agenda.  God know best!

For my family...I have to tell the world.  My husband and girls are simply amazing.  They have showed so much courage, so much sacrifice, so much patience and understanding.  Far, far beyond their years.  I am a blessed lady!  While my heart is heavy at yet another good bye, it overflows with pride.  Please pray for each of them, each one dealing with their own struggles, fears and concerns.

For me personally, I pray that I can glorify God in all that I do.  I know that there will be difficulties.  I know I will get homesick.  I know that I will miss my family.  But I also know God is bigger than all of that.  And for those of you who have been following along, you know that I will be honest.  I can't hold things back very well, so when I am down...you'll know it.  So, just say an extra prayer that day.  That God would renew His spirit within me.  That I could take charge of the thoughts that invade and press forward with the finish line in sight.  I will run, and if I get weary...God will carry me.  I will not faint!

So my appeal, please, send your words, your scriptures, your "kick in the pants," come on Tiffany pull yourself together comments.  I am so curious about all of you out there following along.  From Saint Lucia, my dream vacation spot.  To England, Canada, Italy, Sweden, Russia, Germany, Malaysia, New Zealand, France, Ukraine and the U.S.  Who are you all...I would love to know more about you.  How you know about this adventure.  What is your story.  Really, feel free to chime in.  You following energizes me, it encourages me.  It is all part of the story.

For now, I will try to get my head back around.  Recover from the whiplash and press on, hands wide open for Gods story to tell.  You probably won't hear from me until Thursday night when we hopefully settle for a few nights in Nikopol.  I promise to update as soon as possible.  Face Book is often my easiest way to "get the word out" so if you aren't my "friend" (that still makes me laugh) feel free to send a request, otherwise check back on Thursday.

Blessing to you, so many who have blessed me so!

Relishing the Normalcy

Fear not, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.  Simply relishing the past 48 hours.

So how did the return trip home go?  It started on Wednesday afternoon, with a 2 hour bus ride, 5 hour train ride, a 2 hours rest, one short taxi ride in the wee hours of the morning, one 2 hour flight from Ukraine to Germany, followed by a 5 hour layover and then the giant jump across the pond of my 10 flight to Denver, of which I was securely sandwiched in the middle seat...land locked.  No view and no exit!  But I made it, by 4pm on Thursday, I was in the arms of my family

Funny really, when you are so anxious to get somewhere it seems that those things that should be so small, get so big.  Kinda like as I am waiting for my luggage to arrive so I can race through customs, the conveyor breaks.  All I could think about was my family waiting on the other side of those doors.  They were so close and yet so very far away.  After a 15 minute delay, and getting passed up by two other flights that arrived later than us, finally!  As soon as my bags popped out, I was off.  Straight to the doors, looking for the girls before I even got to them.  I am so very certain that I made a scene, I pushed my luggage cart off without any regard for where it went and went sobbing into my girls arms.  In fact, the tears started before I even got to the doors.  I had but one mission, hold my family in my arms, kiss them, hug them, smell them....HOME!  My heart had come home!

Funny really, how fast you catch back up with life.  To me, to a large degree, life had stopped.  Those simple things that are so routine, so normal, that just keep happening like clock work.  To my amazement, they were still happening.  And I couldn't wait to participate.

Right now, Colorado is experiencing spectacularly glorious weather.  Bright blue Colorado mountain sky, warm, spring like temperatures, snow covered mountains in the distance.  The girls were all wearing shorts and flip flops.  Big change to my long coat and snow boots.  I couldn't wait to feel the warmth on my face and the sunlight on my skin.

After the most amazing shower of my life, I stepped outside, barefoot, t-shirt & shorts...simply spectacular.  I was even able to sleep, well sort of.  Given I had had 2 hours of sleep in the past, well 36 hours, I was exhausted.  But I was up on Friday morning early enough to see the two big girls off to school, those of you who know me, know that is not normal.  From there, the day just went.  Completely filled with life.  After an emotional reunion (and my first latte in 6 weeks) with all my friends at Grace Place (I love you guys) it was business as usual.  Grocery store, Target to replace my hair dryer that blew up on day one in Ukraine, then Macy's for some make up.

On my way home I noticed that something was very wrong with the trusty mini van.  The  transmission was slipping, bad!  In fact, I wasn't sure I was even going to make it home (glad to report, I did).  It was the vans way of saying "welcome home, oh and do you have an extra $2,000 laying around to fix me?  Next time you'll think twice about leaving me sitting here in the cold for 6 weeks."  Ugh, really?  Now?  So the van and I limp our way into Berthoud where is sits, waiting its repair.  Normally, this would really send me into a tizzy.  My normal response when a car breaks down, well guess we better get a new one.  Which is funny really, since I have only ever owned one true new car.  My trusty van was purchased with nearly 100,000 miles on it and now has almost 180,000.  Guess that $2,000 repairs is cheaper than a car payment, or a newer less used car.  I suppose it is nothing more than an expensive inconvenience, right....?

For our Friday night, the house was full of some of my favorite Berthoud teens.  Lots of laughter, lots of food, lots of joy!  I wouldn't of wanted it any other way.  Times like that make my heart so very happy.

Today, more normal.  I had my first Starbucks coffee in 6 weeks.  I got my first sunburn of 2012, it is a ridiculous sunburn as well.  My face is nice and toasty with full raccoon eyes, I have criss cross stripes on my feet from my flip flops and the top of one wrist.  But, oh how it feels so good.

I am not sure the family (or my friends) knows what to do with the new me.  The one who is sentimental and weeping and at the most bizarre times.  Seems every time I see a friend for the first time, the water works start.  I find myself constantly telling my girls how proud I am of them, how much I love them!  And I am and I do.  They are amazing!  Their strength, gives me strength, their courage, gives me courage.

Honestly, I am still struggling with anxiety.  Trying to keep pressing through.  I am so grateful for the network of support and for the opportunity to come home for this time.  It is good for me, body, mind and spirit.  A time for God to pour into me and build me back up so that I can finish what we have started.  I am looking forward to going to church tomorrow, the fellowship of believers is priceless.

As for an update on where things stand.  For now our court date is April 2.  There is an outside chance that it could be moved up, even as early as this week. So for now, I will try my best to rest in Gods love and grace knowing that his timing is perfect and so we will wait (patiently upon the Lord).

It is Not Welfare, It is Warfare

Today, I had a morning thought so I wanted to get started but for the sake of not over doing it with the blog posts I will write in two session but only post once.  This morning...warfare!

It is NOT welfare, it IS warfare!

Several very wise people told us this, at varying points in this journey.  In my mind they were talking about the actual process of rescuing the child not in terms of what would go on with me.  But warfare is exactly what I am going through in body and mind and spirit.  Sometime the feelings I am having are actually shocking to me, disturbing really.  Thoughts of running away and forgetting the entire process. Something, of course that I could never live with.  But at the moments when those thoughts pop in, they are very real.  I am smart enough to know that that is the enemy at work, trying to discourage me and to get me to stop.  He doesn't want this child rescued.  But my God is bigger and despite the fears, the stresses and the constant anxiety, God plus me, we are a majority.  So step back Satin, don't you know that you have already been defeated.

So this morning I make my petitions know before God and man, waiting expectantly for the outcome of the day.  A glimpse of what the immediate future holds.  This morning I feel empowered.  The reality is, the only thing I can control is my attitude.  And honestly, most days I have struggled to maintain a good attitude.  I had managed to lose complete sight of the magnificent miracle that God had already performed in the change of heart of a little girl.  I quit celebrating the greatness of that moment and got completely sucked down a hole of fear and despair.

Throughout this whole journey, I have been getting two tiny little words gently spoken in my ear, "trust me."  I hear them often but far too often I am so overcome with homesickness, and really just myself, that I have been incapable of letting those words penetrate to my heart.  Of course I trust Him, but my need for answers, clarity, a plan, and I guess control, keeps interfering.  So last night I went to sleep reading the Psalms, this morning I woke up reading the Psalms.  Then I finished Job and heard of God restoring all his wealth and his health.  Giving him more children and living to a ripe old age.  Sometimes you have to wrestle with God, cry out in your desperation, plead your case and then simply trust Him.

I am certain that the wrestling is not done yet.  But the battle is won, it was won long ago on the cross.  Each day will be a battle, the war rages on.  It is not Welfare, It is Warfare.  But the difference between me and Satan, I know who the winner is.

So as I wait for information, I find more calm, more confidence and more assurance with each passing moment.  When we left to make or walk to the orphanage, my head was high, my heart expectant.  The weather was beautiful, nearly a Colorado blue sky, or as close as you can get in Ukraine in the winter.  I even saw some green grass, don't worry still lots of mud and muck.  But for the first time, I was hot making the across town trip.

When we arrive for our visit, it is light, we play with domino's, more of a destructive game of wipe-out really.   Then the facilitator arrives with the long awaited news....Court Date?  My hope was for next week, that is what I was praying for.  Because the impatient American had a time table in mind.  I knew when Lily's birthday was, I knew when Emma's prom was, all those important dates a mom must know.  To me, if court was next week, while I might miss Lily's actual birthday, we could still celebrate when I got home.  Prom on the other hand, not a lot of flexibility there.  And I can't miss my daughters 1st prom. But if court could be done next week, it could happen.

But of course, Gods ways are not our ways.  While we did get our court date, it is much later than I had in mind.  April 2nd, really!  At first I was mad, you have got to be kidding me.  If that is the case we may set the record for the longest adoption process ever.  Well, I knew that was really not the case but it is the longest of anyone we knew.  And to me that might as well have been eternity.  So I vent!  Don't worry, nothing inappropriate just expressing the reality of the situation.  While yes, I am an American that doesn't mean I am made out of money.  I can't just make multiple transatlantic trips with no regard to money. Don't you get it, I already have three daughters who have been without a mother for nearly 6 weeks and you want me to give another, possibly 6 weeks more.  Sorry, no can do!  Then those two little words, "trust me."  Urg!

After a few moments, a long glance at the calendar and few conversations I realize that God really is in control.  What this means is that I can go home, NOW.  I can check in on my family, take care of a little business, sleep in my own bed and eat, really eat.  Then, Jamie AND I can come back for court TOGETHER.  While the bad part of this is the fact that I have to leave a sweet little girl sitting in an orphanage, trusting that these Americans will really do what they say they will do, return.  That was hard!  But I was struck by her trust, she just wants to know when she gets to come to America.  And while I still can't give her an exact date, I can give her an assurance that I will be back.

There are still several details to work out, there are still things that could change or hurdles that we could encounter, but for now, I come home.  To kiss the sweet faces of those that I have missed so.  I have given those same kisses to the one that I will leave behind, but only for a short time.

So, all you everywhere...I am going home.  However, we are not yet complete.  Still waiting on God for the conclusion to this amazing story that only He can write.

Blessing...next time we shall talk, I will be state side.

Love and Blessing...

A Good Cry With Friends (and Oreos)

I never knew that homesickness and missing your loved ones could literally cause physical pain, but let me tell you, it can.  And in my case, it is.

But before I go down the sob-story road let me tell you about my day.  I couldn't be at the orphanage until 4pm today because of school and lessons.  So it was a lazy morning.  I read a lot of Word, and spent extra time in the Psalms.  It was a good place to be.  But there were a couple of things that needed to be accomplished before our visit.

I needed to exchange some money, my first time having to do this my self.  In Ukraine, if you go into a business such as a bank and it happens to be at the tellers lunch time, you are out of luck.  They don't take lunch in waves but yet they don't close the bank either.  So I was out of luck.  Food was in order, since I had drank way to much coffee without eating and I wanted a place with wifi if possible.  I am still trying to get some good games and translation app's downloaded on the iPad and while I do have internet at the apartment, it isn't wireless.  Thanks to Sasha we found a nice little cafe, the food was good and it had wifi.  Success!  From there back to the bank to finish that up.

We had quite a bit of time before we had to be at the orphanage and since the weather was about as nice as it has been this entire trip, we took a nice leisurely walk on some different streets.  In some different parts of town.  I am sure it is very pretty here in the summer.  Lots of little parks and tree lined sidewalks, but in the winter, not so much.

We made one last stop at the market to get some potato chips for the treat of the day and made our way over to see my girl.  The potato chips here are so funny to me.  They are Lay's brand but I promise you there are none of the American flavors here.  There is bacon, mushroom, shrimp, onion, paprika...don't like em so much..  But the kids do, so the flavor of the day was bacon.

As we got near the orphanage I saw something I haven't seen in 5 weeks, an airplane flying high in the sky.  It is strange really that in all this time I have not seen or heard a single airplane.  I am sure they have flown over, but it is often cloudy.  But back home, at any given moment you can see or hear or both a hand full of airplanes.  I am obviously not under an air traffic route.  It was really a highlight, something strangely familiar.  And a glimpse of hope.

We got to the orphanage about 15 minutes early and went right back to the same old room, the computer room.  We went right into coloring, she prefers the animal pictures over any of the princess type of thing.  She is very detailed and wants everything "just so" and is quick to correct if I don't do it the way she wants.  She got some of her school work and shared that and then she sat down with me and went through every picture on my phone.  Including watching a couple of videos that I had recorded of Lily and Jamie singing on the wii.  She thought that was funny.  I got to see her interact with her friends a bit more today, she is definitely the ring leader.  She does seem to kind of watch out for the new kids but can be pretty bossy.  We spent some time working on key english words, she really knows quite a few words.  She doesn't like to use them when speaking with me.  So we will work on that the next couple of days.  I don't want to put a bunch of pressure on her, just enough that we can communicate on the trip home.  If I can learn a few and she learn a few we should be just fine.

Our walk home was in the dark, so we tried to walk with purpose and not linger, it is a good 35 to 40 minute walk.  I did take enough time to notice that it was a lovely evening and there were some beautiful stars in the sky.  It is still so oddly quiet here, even in busy places.  And the night is even more so.  One quick stop at the market and home we went.

That's when things went haywire today.  I think I made a mistake with my coffee consumption early in the day, kind aggravated the anxiety level and I never quite got it in check.  So by the time I got home I was overwhelmed with sadness for things going on at home.  At least I know enough to reach out when I am feeling like that, and thankfully I serve a big God who prompts others hearts to reach out to me.  After a call to our facilitator who was able to calm my fears and start the process of putting my mind at easy, I started typing the blog.  Which to be honest, I didn't want to post because I am tired of whining and crying to whole world.  But at the same time, it is such good therapy that I had to write, even if I never actually post it.

I got a little start on the blog when my friend, Mark from Grace Place Church popped in on Facebook to see how I was doing.  Don't know if he know he was asking a loaded question or not, but I am so thankful that he and the rest of the staff allowed me to unload.  Double barrel, sobbing, make-up streaked face and all.  I was thrilled that by the end of the conversation I was even joking about the toilet paper here.  They prayed for me and the process lying ahead, they encouraged me, they even made fun of me a little bit.  Oh, friends...what would I do with out you.  Thanks for loving me in spite of my crazy side.

So my day ends with some Oreo cookies, while my roommate eats an apple...way to make me look bad.  But I am enjoying every yummy bite.  I am more at peace now than I have been all day.  Sometime all you need is a good old cry with your friends to remind you that no matter how alone you feel, you are NEVER alone.  I still know God is doing a work, I still know that He is not done with me yet, I still know that He loves me, I still know I am right where He wants me and I still know that I will in fact, get to come home.

Tomorrow is the day I have been looking forward to.  It is a day in which we should be able to start planning the remaining steps.  Start to see how the time line will play out.  I think that has been a big piece of my stress, I just want to know something so that in my head I can start to work everything out.

Each day I grow a little stronger, a little braver and a little closer to God and to home.

Blessing to each of you and heartfelt thanks for all the love, support and prayer!  You all have truly been holding me up and I am forever grateful.

Broken Record

At the risk of sounding like a broken record...this is so hard!

While the visits are going great and I have a lot of confidence in the work going on there, I still find each day to be such a struggle.  I know that the real struggle right now is the sheer grief I feel of homesickness and the fact that I can't even begin to pinpoint when I might be home.

It is just plain hard being away from your family, especially your children when they are at an age where you know that they need you.  The reality is I need them, desperately! I miss them, desperately!  I try really hard not to ponder about them all day and I am able to distract myself, but only to a point.  Especially now that I know they are all together.  I wonder what it was like for Jamie and Lily to sleep in their own bed.  To use an American bathroom, to turn on the tv and understand what is being said.  To actually look out the window to the familiar.

There is no antidote for this, at least none that I have figured out.  It makes me wonder, how in the world can a parent walk away from their child?  How can they leave their own flesh and blood.  I know that sometimes it is because they simply can not provide for them, and therefore feel they have no option.  But that isn't always the case.  I simply can not wait to smother my girls with hugs and kisses.  I can not wait to be able to touch them.  I could never walk away from them, ever!

I try to constantly remind myself that everything I am feeling right now, is what this sweet little girl is going to be feeling very soon.  I know that she needs this time as closure.  I know that rushing it might not be the best thing for her.  I try, I try!  But my heart longs to go home, with her, to join all our hearts together as one.

Today was similar to yesterday, we were allowed off the property once again.  But this time she asked if she could bring 3 friends with her.  We asked, and were granted permission.  She chose two girls and one boy to go along.  One boy and girl were a sibling pair been there only two weeks and one single girl who had only been there one week.  Our girl seems to be a leader of sorts and seems to like to take care of others.  They again led the way back to the local pizza joint.  No problem figuring out what they wanted, she pretty much set the tone with the same as she had had the previous day.  They were happy just to get out.

It was a bit of a different feel but it also gave some insight into her personality.  There was lots of giggles and chatter.  They had fun comparing who had eaten what and even figured out exactly how many pieces had been consumed as a total.  It was cute, she was eager to get everyone coats for them and make sure that they were all together.

On our way back we found a little park which offered a nice diversion.  She and the boy had a great time swinging on the swings and seeing who could jump the farthest.  She is a dare devil, how high, how far, how fast.  It was good for them, the smiles were priceless.

We made our way back and still had some time so we found our way to our usual room.  Today I thought I would ask if she had any photos of her own that she would like to show me.  She said she had some from Spain.  One of the other little girls went and got them in no time and so we started working our way through 2 very nice, hard back, professional book style albums that the family she had stayed with on both visits had made for her.  Again, it was a glimpse into her personality.  She doesn't seem timid or shy and most pictures were filled with activity.  Alpine slide, trampoline, jump house, swimming pool.  Seems she has been exposed to a good number of things that she could expect to see in America.

From there her friends kind of came and went so we started talking.  We ended up on Grandma again, she spoke fondly of her.  I was a bit more bold today and I ask her about her parents.  She doesn't remember them.  She was with her grandma since she was 3 or 4 years old.  I told her a bit about my extended family and Jamie's as well.  Covered the grandma's and grandpa's, aunts and uncles and cousins.  Briefly, not listing all the names and where they all live, just that they were there.  She was taken by how large the family is.

I asked her if anyone had explained the upcoming process to her and all she really knows is that she is going home with us and when she turns 18 it will be her choice as to whether she wants to come back to Ukraine or stay in America.  I told her that was correct and didn't go into the logistics of the coming weeks.  What good would that do given that I don't even know what they might be.

I showed some emotion today while talking about Jamie and the girls at home.  And also when talking about my sister who had died.  Not to much, but a little bit.  She would look at me very clearly and linger a bit longer than usual.  She didn't know really what to think of that.  I would rub her back and touch her hair from time to time.  I asked if that bothered her and she said no, she seems very comfortable most all of the time.  She asked if she could keep some of the flash cards and the picture/word book with her and I said absolutely.

She wanted for me to bring the coloring book and pencils with me tomorrow and I also got some beads for her to play with.  I think she likes having her friends join in and on our way back today, they were all thanking her for taking them along, that they had liked it very much and had fun.  They wanted to know if they could go with us tomorrow.  Tomorrow they have school so we can't go until later in the day and will have less time so we won't be leaving the grounds.  We shall play and they are welcome to join us.

I hope it doesn't seem like I am stuck in one giant pity party, I am trying very hard to stand tall and push on.  And all in all, I think I am doing pretty good.  I pray constantly for the peace of God to wash over me, to remove the anxiety in my gut and bring calm that can only come from Him.  But part of me thinks that He wants me to feel every bit of this.  Again, it is that compassion thing.  Feeling isn't a bad thing, it is just what I do with those feeling.  So, I don't beat myself for feeling sad, or homesick or scared, or what ever the feeling of the moment might be.  I do pray for relief though.

Blessing til next time!

Power Struggle

Today I took my power back.  What does that mean?  Well, as I mentioned before, while Jamie was here I relied on him to take care of  managing day to day life.  And if I can be honest once again, that in and of its self is shift.  Normally at home, I am the "go to."  I know everyones schedule (including Jamie's), I take care of the finances, the shopping, most cooking, getting them mail...you know life.  But here, the whole transition was so overwhelming and my mind was so flooded that I passed on the money, the shopping, the cooking and most of the communicating to him.  But today, NO!  And even better yet, I  found some beauty along the way.

We were walking to the orphanage today and we were thrilled to go outside and find bright blue skies and a relatively warm day.  And trust me, it is all relative.  Upon arriving there were a few girls hanging out near the gate, and since we have become a familiar novelty for the kids, the giggles started right up.  As we rounded the corner, I see her playing in the yard.  She gave a very enthusiastic wave and came straight to us.  I am starting to loosen up and be less rigid, I give her a big hug that is definitely returned.  We ask her if she would like to stay outside or go inside, she says (in normal fashion) I don't know.  Then we see the inspector and greet her.  She moves on and then the director shows up.  We follow her inside and say our greeting she asked where Jamie was and we explain that he had to take Lily home to get back to school.  Then we ask if we might be able to take her off the property for some lunch.  She was very gracious and agrees and give the parameters of how far we could go.

Off we went for our first off property excursion.  She led the way through some back alleys so to speak, the short cut to the pizza place.  Along the way we start a lovely little conversation by asking how often she is allowed off the grounds.  She tells us that she is allowed to leave if her grandma gives her money as a gift, she can go to the market for a treat.  I take this as an opening and ask about how often she sees her grandma.  She said, "not in a long time, she is old and ill."  But my brother visits.  Again, opportunity.  I ask, "how old is your brother?'  I learned he is 22 and lives with grandma, he has a job but she doesn't know doing what.  I ask when he last visited, to my surprise it was March 8.  Wow, really?  Still I press on, "does he know about us?"  "Yes," well "what does he think about you leaving?"  She says, "he thinks it's a good idea."  A deep breath and a sigh of relief.  I press in a bit more and ask if she has always lived in the area.  She said, yes in Nikopol since she was 4 and before that in a village very near.  She seems open to the direction of the conversation so I keep up by asking if she had any other family.  She told me that she has another grandma in another village.  I ask about any grandpa and learn that there is a grandpa only with grandma in the village.  Never any mention of mom so we still don't know anything there.  But I went on to ask about what brought her to the orphanage and she indicated that she doesn't know but that she was living with grandma before the orphanage.  So I don't know for how long or if it had been kind of a long term or even forever situation.  I did mention that we should make sure that we have her brothers address and email address so that she could stay in touch.  She said that she knew his address.  At this, I move on.

We had a nice leisurely lunch that included a lot of dialog about different words in English vs. Russian.  I wrote down the family, member by member and their title...Emma, sister, Annabelle, sister, all the way to the dog and cat.  The we talked about the words we are going to need to get by initially, hungry, thirsty, tired...and then had some fun using the English to Russian dictionary to talk about different trees, things like a sidewalk, window.  She knows a good number of English words and I think I mentioned that she can read English even though she has no idea what she is saying.  Great skills at sounding out words.

When it was time to leave we had to get a box for our left over pizza (which they make you pay for here) and she wanted to be very helpful in getting the pizza in the box.  She wanted to take it back and share it with her friends, which I was happy to do because I am tired of pizza.  Not to mention it is a nice treat for her friends and makes them feel special too.  When we dropped her off we didn't linger, trying to maintain some routine and structure.  We did pop back in to see the director to talk with her about tomorrow.  We were hopeful to get to take her bowling but the bowling alley was to far away so we are welcome to take her out as long as we don't go any further than we went today.  No problem, I just love leaving the property, totally changes the dynamic.  The director has been quite warm and kind toward us and I consider that a huge blessing.

As we were leaving, there were hugs all around and a kiss to her forehead.  As she was backing away, I blew her a kiss and she returned it with a shy little smile.  Then off up the stairs she went.  It was a good visit.  I learned more about her and the interaction felt a little more natural today.

After the visit there were several errands that need to be done.  So we ventured back to the shopping area via a new route, one which took us through what in America we would call an apartment complex.  We stumbled upon a large common ground area with all these little, and I do mean little, rooftops all right at ground level.  I ask Sasha what they are and she has no idea.  Off to the side stood a lovely, kind looking elderly woman with a big smile on her face.  So Sasha asks her what they are.  We learn the are root cellars and I joke that it is the Ukrainian version of a community garden.  She tells us that they are for the people living in the apartments to keep there potatoes, onion and such in.  She gladly lifts the roof and sure enough.  But I was shocked at how deep it was, I didn't go down but the ladder was long.  It was hard to imagine this little old lady making her way down that ladder and back up with her vegetables.

In town I was looking for a back pack because carrying everything in a shoulder bag was killing my neck and back.  We needed to stop at the pharmacy to get a couple of things, I needed more make-up from the cosmetic store  and I wanted to go to a toy store to get a bead set to have a craft we could do together and then to add money to my phone.  All were accomplished without any problem.  That was huge for me, I was able to find (with the help of Sasha) everything I needed, I was able to manage the money to pay for them.  Empowering!  A feel of normalcy, every girl like to shop...right!  Then to top it off we decided to find a different route home.  Again, it is all about becoming comfortable with your surroundings and taking charge.  Good news is, we made it home without issue.

Tonight I decided it was time I actually cook and for the first time in a week I was actually hungry.  So I got dinner started but had to step aside to do some chatting with my sweet friend Monique back home.  She breathed more new energy and life into me and helped me feel more stable and secure, oh, and normal.  I got several unbelievably timely messages from friends at home, each of which completely confirmed some of the things I was trying to accomplish.  Thank you ladies, you know who you are.

I have done a relatively good job avoiding too much computer time and had fun chatting over diner and talking about this word or that in Russian vs. English.  Some were pretty funny.

Right now Jamie and Lily are about 2 hours from landing in Denver.  While I am so happy for them, I am sad for me.  My family will be having a reunion without me.  My day is coming.  Today Emma had her first track meet of the season, obviously I am missing that too.  Lily goes back to school on Monday as does Jamie to work.  They settle back into life in Colorado, I settle into life in Ukraine.

Tuesday is the day I am looking forward too.  The facilitator comes back to take the paperwork to the next level as it gets sent back to the SDA for their approval.  That is the next milestone, once we have that we can start all the other planning and really figure out the time line.  That will help tremendously as then I can see the finish line.

I have to admit, the anxiety is still very much with me.  I can feel that my blood pressure is higher than normal.  I am pretty sure that will stick around until my feet are firmly planted on US soil.  But it seems to be subsiding just slightly each day.  I am sure Tuesday will elevate it again, just waiting on information.  I just pray we actually are able to get some real information.

My usual thank you to each of you for continually reminding me that you are all still out there, following along in my wilderness experience.  It is truly a wild and crazy ride.

Blessing!

Pressing In, Pressing On

It is Saturday morning here in Ukraine, and my mind is split between three different time zones.  As I speak, Jamie and Lily are getting ready to land in Germany to wait out their layover and ultimately their flight back to U.S. soil.  And back at home in Colorado my girls are just heading to bed, maybe!  It is just 10:30pm on a Friday night and they are teenagers.  Of course, there is the reality of where I am.  7:30am in Nikopol, Ukraine.  This is an early morning of me, since we have gotten here I have developed some really messed up sleeping habits.  But last night I went to bed at a more normal hour and managed to get nearly 8 hours of sleep.  That comes out to be about 7 hours more than I was able to get the night before.

Yesterday was kind of a weird day, like most days have been since I arrived.  But after spending a month here, waiting and hoping, now that we have met this little one my focus has to change.  And to be honest, it is hard.  Especially since in our minds, we would come and quickly be able to find our girl and start bonding with her as a group.  But when things went so long, then all of the other issues in life had to start getting some attention and we had to change our plan.  All along we pretty much knew that the day would come when Jamie and Lily would leave, but we expected that to be after court not 3 days after we met her.

So now I am here trying to bond and develop a relationship with this little girl that I know absolutely nothing about.  I don't know what put her in this orphanage.  I don't know what kind of life experiences she has had, good or bad.  When you start out with your child as an infant, you get to see their personality develop.  You have those moments of staring into their little eyes, you hold them close, you rock them, kiss them, change them, dress them.  You are their everything and they yours during those precious days and months.  Here, there are 10 years that are unaccounted for for me.  I am trying to figure out what is appropriate to say, ask or do.  We can play games, yes and mess around with google translate.  I ask superficial questions about favorite color or food.  What is you favorite subject to study.  But nothing deep, or probing.  Obviously, it is too soon for that.  I have to be honest, it is so awkward for me, not natural.

I think I need to lighten up and relax.  I know I am tense constantly.  I know she needs to see joy, compassion, and a confidence.  All things that come and go depending on the other things going on in my heart or mind, my worries back home, my fears about the future.  I am trying to constantly remind myself of the joy I felt when we got word that she had changed her mind.  I am trying to remind myself of all of the other families that have walked this road before me.  I am trying to remind myself that I am strong, I am confident and I am full of joy.  I am trying to be myself but right now I am not really sure who that is.

I wish we could go outside and really play, but it is still cold here and snow still covers the ground at the orphanage.  So while we might be able to go out in the yard area, there is no running in the grass or playing at a play ground.  No kicking a soccer ball.  Good old fashion play would be good for us both.  I could see a bit more of her personality come out as she could see some of mine.  I would like to take her for a walk off the property but on the weekend the director is not in and with out her permission I can't.

Developing a routine seems important.  That was Jamie's advice before he left.  Try to set up a schedule that is consistent.  Go at the same time each day and leave at the same time each day.  Which I implemented immediately.  She was out of school for the holiday Thursday through Sunday, so each of those days I went at 11am and left at 2pm, which is lunch time.  When she goes back to school on Monday I will have to figure out her school schedule, which varies day to day.  And then see if we can work out a set time during the week.  Routine is good for me and it will be an important thing for her to because we definitely have a routine at home.  Don't get me wrong, the orphanage is all about routine but yet routine with complete "structure" or supervision.

Yesterday brought a huge blessing my way in the form of a couple from our home town and church.  Bill and Karen Miller made a 2 1/2 hour drive from where they are staying in Kherson to visit me.  And Karen is kind enough to stay with me for a couple of days.  This is absolutely huge in my little world right now, such a blessing.  A distraction, a voice of reason, a sister in Christ, an encourager, a support.  Someone to talk to about things other than the adoption or orphanage.  She is really helping me settle in to this a bit more.

The other thing that is helping is me taking charge.  Taking charge of all the things that I had just allowed Jamie to do, the money, the food and even keeping track of the apartment key.  I take charge at home, make things happen but for some reason here it has been really difficult for me to do that.  I have to take back control of my life, in any area I can.  There are still plenty of areas that I can't control but those I can, I must.  Beyond that, I need to try to separate myself from this silly computer.  And this is a tough one because I just want to feel some connection to my world back home, but at the same time I don't think it is health.  So last night I didn't troll Facebook all night grasping for a glimpse of home, I checked in from time to time but actually spent the evening sitting in a separate room from the computer.  Since we don't have wireless here, I can't just take it with me.

I want to try to focus and actually read a book.  I have two that need to be read, one on the process of parenting a hurt child and the other for entertainment.  I got back into the Word yesterday, and that obviously helped.  I am ahead on my reading plan and not loving that I am in Job right in the middle of this so I try to expand my reading to include the Psalms and Proverbs.  I have loved all the scripture that folks have sent my way, so much of it was spot to right where I was at at that very moment.  And the words of encouragement are huge.  Just the little emails or face book messages are treasures to my heart.

Today we will be walking to the orphanage, it is a long walk it takes about 30 minutes.  I really do want to start running when I get home, this is a good little (very little) base to get started with.  I wish I could run here, it would be good for my mind and my stress level.  Still too much snow and really the ice is the concern.  That and I left my sneakers in Kiev and I am pretty sure that some American lady running for exercise in the middle of a Ukrainian winter would draw more attention than I want.

I can't wait to go outside with shoes on, not boots, but actual shoes.  I have only worn sneakers once this entire month...urg!  And really, my 5 or so shirts and 3 pairs of jeans, I am so over you as well.  Oh then there is the hair.  What a mess the hair is.  I am pretty sure that I am gonna have to by some hair color here really soon.  That could end up being a very funny story, me coloring my hair trying to follow the Russian directions.  Pretty sure that won't end up ideal.

Time to press in for the day, a little Word a little Prayer and suit up and press on out the door.