A Good Cry and a Cheap Glass of Wine

Oh, how my heart aches from its very core right now!  I just put my baby girl and husband on the overnight train back to Kiev where they will catch their return flight back to Colorado.  That was the hardest good bye, right along with the one back in Colorado when we headed to Ukraine.  What makes this one worse is the fact that I am coming up on 5 weeks of being away from my two big girls and my heart breaks from missing them so and now they will all be together, and I remain here.

It had to be, we needed for one of us to be with the kids at home.  And since he has a job, it made more sense for it to be him to go home.  I does comfort my heart to know that at least they will have each other. The girls need a parent, really two parents but for now one is better than none.

We decided yesterday that Jamie and Lily would head home this weekend, our plan was for tomorrow night.  But when we went to buy the tickets we found out that there was either no train or no tickets until after the 1st of next week but that there were tickets for tonight.  We were not planning such a fast goodbye.  Probably better that way.  Lily was so very sweet, and so very cute.  She cried, I cried, Jamie cried, I think all of us for some of the same reasons and some for different reason.  

I have to tell you that while the first several weeks seemed like Ground Hog Day, now each day has an emotion all its own.  Today it was fear, terror at moments.  Some, when it fully dawned on me the hugeness of what we are doing adopting an orphan.  Some because of the reality that I was truly going to be left in Ukraine by myself.  Don't mistake me, I am not alone, but yet I am alone.  I feel a little abandoned even though that is not at all the case.  To be honest, Jamie tried to talk me into trading places with him and me be the one to go home.  Which was a huge temptation but for a couple reasons it didn't make sense.  First because of his job, but even beyond that is the mother instinct I feel to stay and form a bond with our girl.  Jamie needs the bond too, I know that.  And had it not taken a month to find her, then they would still be here.

We did get to go to the orphanage as a family today.  It is Women's Day in Ukraine, so there are lots of flowers and celebrations including one at the orphanage.  We got to sit in on part of it.  It was nice!  Afterward, the girls played some games on the iPad and we played Uno.  We got a little glimpse of some of the orphan behavior today, no concept of sharing or playing by the rules.  Nothing huge but a little window into what lies ahead.  We told her that Jamie and Lily would be heading home, Lily back to school and to get their bedroom ready.  She seemed to understand and not be upset by it.

The level of fears I am experience I never really expected.  Things that pop into my head in regards to my girls at home and their relationship with her and with us.  Fears of my own inadequacies as a parent.  Fears, fears, fears....

I know that I need to embrace this time, take it in really.  All of these fears I am having right now are many of the same fears she will face when she gets on that air plane to head to America.  My heart needs to understand this so that I can be there for her when we do finally get home.  There are lots of things I know in my head, it is getting my heart to follow along that seems to be the problem.  Because honestly, I am completely heartbroken.

So, here I sit in this nice, tidy apartment in Nikopol, Ukraine!  Praying for what I have lost, praying for whats to come and pleading with God to speed the time.  There it is again, time...His time is not my time, but, yet I plead my cause before Him...bring us home soon, bring us home safe, bring us home complete.  And, oh please, hold me up.

And tonight I will have a good cry and a cheap glass of wine and wait for my girls to get home so we can Face Time.  I promised a friend of mine who is battling cancer, that when ever I was having a pity party that I would pray for her.  So here's to you Barbara...praying!

To all of you, please pray on my behalf because I truly can not do this on my own.