March Madness

By this time, any of you who have read any of this blog know that we Degnan's are sports nuts.  No surprise that March Madness is finally showing up.  But wait, it isn't the March Madness you might expect.  This is what has become my personal March Madness.  

Seems I am detecting a theme, a trend of sorts.  It appears that with the month of March comes my own personal Madness.  We all remember my trip down crazy lane last March.  A trip that sometimes I wish would just be removed from my memory but really, truth be told...I don't ever want to forget it.  It has become largely a trip that has defined me, maybe better said, refined me.  

I just finished reading my entries from March 8 through the 13th.  The fateful day that Lily and Jamie went home leaving me a sobbing mess on that train platform all the way through the day I learned I was going home for a "time out" or a "break in the action."  Albeit, what ended up being a 30 second time out.  . As I read through those dark days I was pulled right back to that pit of homesickness, fear and doubt.  Suffering from anxiety, sleeplessness, and depression.  I was that little mouse running in the tall grass.  I couldn't see my way out, I was lost.  Looking back, wow!  I was growing, learning, stretching more than any other time in my life.  I wasn't giving up, quitting or running home but running my race.  I was pushing through, with a goal in mind.  Last March I was existing in the lower story.  Having no perspective, no concept of what the upper story was.  I missed the fact that the tall grass was protecting me.  I was the mouse in tall grass, it was for my own good.  Today, it would be a stretch for me to say i fully understand the upper story, I don't.  But I do get a lot of it.  I needed to feel, and I do mean "feel" everything I felt in those weeks.  I needed to experience true and utter dependence and I needed to feel empowered to take back what was my appropriate power.  Giving perspective that human will, human power will not really get you to far.  It is when you are completely dependent that you find your inner strength and courage.  Hmmm, profound moment for me.  Guess that is the whole "Christ in me" thing.

This time last year, I would have been sitting in a chair at the Lighthouse Cafe with several of my favorite people.  Crying yet again, so thankful to be home.  So thankful for the warm Colorado sun, the love of my family, the comfort of my own bed, in my own house, eating....breathing deeply and still feeling acutely the reality that this adventure was far from over.  But ever so thankful for a time out.

So, why then should I be surprised that this March brings a new Madness, though a different madness?  Actually, I'm not a bit surprised by it.  Although, I am a bit surprised by the type of madness.  As soon as I got home for good last year, we jumped right into catering season.  We had weddings lined up through December and it became evident very quickly that we were going to have to find our own facility.  While both Jamie and I know what we needed, what we didn't know was how hard it was going to be.  Jamie was working full time at his "paying" job and working just as much at the catering.  I was working part time at the cafe and full time with the catering.  We were trying to integrate a new child into our family, keep the others on track.  We had a lot on our plate, too much already.  We found ourselves in a place where it was time to make a tough decision.  Do we press on and keep working to make Origins Catering all that we knew it could be or do we stop it completely.  It was that do or die moment.  Honestly, it wasn't a hard decision.  We knew from the very beginning that God had set us on the path with Origins so we set off on the next chapter in the Degnan adventure.  Looking for our own facility.

Now, commercial real estate is not an area either of us knew a thing about.  We have bought and sold several homes but commercial property is a whole different beast.  The one thing we knew was we wanted to stay in Berthoud.  This in and of itself complicates things.  Berthoud is not a large city, not even a medium sized town...it is small town America, Mayberry really.  So this limited our options, significantly.  I wanted some place the girls could walk to from school, that had space for us to grow and that would be a good investment.  Since we come and go a lot late at night, we wanted it well lit and safe.  We wanted to buy, not lease.  We looked at warehouse, industrial areas.  That is what Jamie wanted.  We considered purchasing an existing restaurant that was closing.  Finally we looked at a building that was more of a store front type of building.  It had parking, good outside lighting, easy access for deliveries.  It had been suggested to us more than once, in fact, more that a handful of times.  We were always quick to say no.  But after exhausting all the other available options we decided, "well lets take a look."  The building was definitely much larger than we needed, or wanted.  It was divided into 3 sections.  One was already rented out, but the other two were open.  One end had originally been a laundry mat, ironically commercial kitchens and laundry mats share a lot of the basic necessities for water and power and it was built in a way that it already had several things that the health department would require for finish.  The downside, we would have to purchase the entire building so not only would we be embarking on running our own facility, we would be automatic landlords.  Not something we wanted.  So imagine our surprise when we walk in and realize this is "it."  There was not a doubt in either of our minds, this is the place that would be the home of Origins Catering Company.  

When we started this process, our first stop was the bank.  We didn't have a bunch of cash laying around and knew we would have to secure financing before we got to far down the road.  Added benefit of living in Mayberry is that you really do know everyone, including the banker.  His kids go to school with my kids, you know how it works.  Great small town connections.  He spent a lot of time with us, talking through the options.  Explaining SBA vs. conventional lending, the pro's and con's of each.  Give us a stack of information and applications.  Points us in a direction that made sense.  Yet, when I got home and started looking at the pile of documents, the lengthy process and the criteria to "qualify" I quickly became overwhelmed.  All I could think about was the months, literally, that I had spent just the previous year chasing down home deeds, marriage license, criminal back ground checks, pulling financial statements, attending classes, and much more, all to adopt Daria.  I didn't know how I was gonna make it through this.  After that application process, I didn't care if I ever saw another application of any kind.  What compounded those feelings was the fact that this was just one of several applications I was going be faced with in this whole process.  We still had the health department and the local building department to deal with.  

Come to find out, God had a different idea.  An idea I never saw coming.  Who would of thought that private financing was an option.  Who would of thought that not only was it an option, but one that came to us.  We didn't have to seek it out.  So my fretting, stress...all for naught.  What a blessing when you just stumble upon the exit from the tall grass.  

Unfortunately, there is no fighting the grass when it comes to the health department.  For any of you who are curious, the paperwork required to open a commercial kitchen is more in depth than that required to adopt a child.  Scary isn't it.  A 31 page applications that must include your entire menu, how each item will be handled, prepared, cooled and reheated.  Outline your fire suppression and exhaust system.  You must calculate water flow and temperature recovery rates.  List every piece of equipment, its make, model and attach the appropriate spec sheets.  You have to outline a sick employee policy, a heating and cooling log.  You must provide a detailed floor plan showing every drain, and power outlet.  You must tell them what every wall, floor and ceiling surface will be.  Exhausting, overwhelming and not an easy task.  This step alone took us 4 weeks.

Where are we now?  Well, as of Friday, March 15 we are the proud owners of a 3000+ square foot building in downtown Berthoud.  It is located right smack dab between all three schools.  It is on a well lit street and is in very good condition.  We will occupy just over a third of the building with our kitchen and office space.  The current tenant will stay and we hope to rent the remaining space soon.  The renters will actually pay over 3/4th of the mortgage when it is full occupied.  We are still waiting on final approval from the health department so that we can start construction but are hoping to have that by the weeks end.  Then the real Madness begins...construction, jumping through the hoops of the building department and working for our final certificate of occupancy and a license to operate a retail food operation.  Hopefully in time for the start of catering season, June 1.  

As this journey has progressed, I remember driving by that building years ago and saying "that would be a perfect building for us."  Who would'a thunk it.  

So yes, this has been another March filled with Madness.  I have been stressed out, my sleep patterns yet again disrupted.  I am anxious and a bit of a nervous nelly.  I am overwhelmed by all that needs to be done and then by the thought that once it is done, I have to run it.  Now we have bills, not just a mortgage, but utilities, insurance, maintenance.  We have to buy equipment, set up an office.  Yikes!  One thing that is different this year over last.  Last year I couldn't eat, this year...I can't stop eating.  

Oh, yea...don't forget tax season is upon us.  So all the while I am working at a feverish pace to get all of that pulled together.  Of course, our taxes can't be an easy thing.  When you own your own business, that complicates things enough.  Then add in an adoptions, wow what a twist that is.  It has been interesting though.  As I have had to go back through every dime spent, it is another reminder of Gods faithfulness.  On paper, we never should have been able to do what we did last year.  I still can't reconcile the math, it simply doesn't add up.  2 and a half months of disrupted income and we never missed a payment.  

On the family front, all is well.  The girls are healthy and happy (most of the time, they are girls, they are pre-teens and teens).  We seem to be settling in a nice season at home.  Lots of meals together, lots of activities.  Softball, soccer and track are all under way.  The big girls are spending their weekend, the entire thing, at life guard training.  Next week we will celebrate Lily's 11th birthday.  It will not escape my memory the heartache I felt last year being away on her birthday.  Not this year, I will hug her extra and hold her tight.  Can't wait.  

Right now we are preparing for a family tradition...March Madness, no really, the real March Madness. We will all fill out our brackets and some friendly wagering will go on.  One will win, the other will be the losers.  Hoping a Colorado team or two will dance.  

What about next March, yip I am thinking ahead.  Maybe if I plan right I can skip the Madness.  Jamie and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary in June of 2014.  I am thinking March will be a good time to get away and celebrate all God has done in us and through us.  

A final word or two.  First, I hope my roommate of last year is healing up and resting comfortably.  Karen, been thinking a lot about you.  A simple "thank you" just doesn't seem to say enough, yet I can't adequately find the words to express my gratitude.  Another thank you is in order, last year as we were preparing to go to Ukraine, we were given a generous gift.  One that touched us so deeply.  We have a feeling that we know who it was, but not entirely certain.  But know this...we love you and appreciate your kindness, generosity, thank you!  One day, we plan to pay it forward.  Do the same thing for another family who is stepping out, unsure of the journey but confident in the calling.  These two are just two of the many people who helped make it possible for Daria to with us today.  You blessed us, you are blessing many!

Well, off to make dinner...let the madness continue!  

 

Lessons Learned and Fears Put to Rest...Faith

Where to start?  It was one year ago today that we met Daria...March 6, 2012 a day forever etched in my brain.

A few weeks ago, I told you that I was going to take a little trip.  A trip down memory lane, the name?  Adoption journey Ukraine.  A route I never expected, but now I would never trade.  I have been reading through this blog, starting with the first entry in January 2012.  I am trying not to read ahead, I want to relive the feelings, emotions of each and every day.  Take my self back to who I was then and where God has brought me too.  Remarkable, really!

I have a feeling this is gonna be a long one, don't feel obligated to see it through.  This is more for me, but if you can get something out of it, well that is an added bonus.

As I started re-reading each entry, I decided to write down words, feelings that jumped out at me.  I won't venture into the "I was there, but ended here" until it is all said and done...6 weeks from now.  Where I started and where I was mentally by this time last year, shocking!

It all started out rosy.  All talk of adventure and the "funny pages," looking at the humor I saw in my surroundings.  The parking, transportation, communication.  I actually started this process with a sense of humor...shocked how  quickly I lost that.  Four days in and the first sign of disappointment and sadness set in.  Disappointment in the system, sadness in missing my girls.  Yet, I was constantly inspired by Lily, her courage, her maturity, her spirituality.

The cold was a common thread...all the way to the end.  I think back and actually shiver at the thought. I so wish I could put to words the bone chilling cold.  Beyond any description.  I know that being from Colorado, where we have more average days of sunshine than Hawaii, I need my sunlight.  The cold, grey, cloudy weather definitely affects the brain, the mood.  Even if it is sunny, if it is too cold to walk 2 blocks without having every bit of your skin covered...well then I wasn't going out.

Early on, I was taken by the architecture of the buildings.  Some how I managed to just pick out the "pretty" ones.  Around every corner was another building that just oozed history.  But by the time I left, honestly I was hard pressed to find any building beautiful.  Sad really, many buildings are older than anything we Americans could ever comprehend.  But after one is emotionally, physically and spiritually battered, everything is ugly.

Within 4 days, anxiety had set in.  We had made it through our first SDA appointment only to leave without a child selected.  Simple tasks became overwhelming.  I lost the ability to care for myself on the most basic levels, shopping and cooking.  My sleep was affected and the weight loss began.  Yet, I could still manage to find humor in day to day experiences.  The cars driving on the side walk...really?  The characters, dressed up in character trying to get a buck or two for a picture.  The wild dogs, the crazy escalators and the underground city called a mall.  I was struck by the average shoe choice of a Ukrainian woman...heals, high heals...very high heals on very icy, frozen sidewalks.  We had moved a couple of times in the first week, this was enough to send me into a tizzy.  I was nearly paralyzed by what seemed like a daunting task.

The people and places of that first week are forever burned in my heart.  Karen, Tara & Phil, the pastor at ICA, the small group Bible study.  Grilled cheese and home made tomato soup.  Little girls giggles.
We met Jesse, tiny Tara and Jonathan, Kristi and Steve who prayed us back into the game.  And trust me, that is just a few of the many, many wonderful people that without them...I would have run for the hills, of Colorado that is.  I would have bailed on this adoption journey and run for home with my tail between my legs...thanks for pushing me through.  Then add in all the folks back state side, Clay, Selene, Steve, Hollis, Babette, Stacy, Cindi, Christina and Rob, Brenda, Melody, Suzie, Kathy, Clarke & Kris, sweet Monique & Chris and my amazing "big" girls, Emma & Annabelle...wow, thanks guys.  Sweet tears running down my cheeks as I remember the village (can't believe I am using a Clinton saying) that helped us through.

On February 13 we had our second SDA appointment...disappointment.  While we did find a sweet, adorable little girl, we believe to this day that neither the SDA, the orphanage director, inspector or even our facilitator were completely honest and upfront with us.  We were sent to meet a little girl, who unbeknown to us, was waiting for another American family to come for her.  I am pretty sure that it was a play for a bribe on the directors part.  He wanted cash, American currency...that would buy a child in his book.  Through his corruption, many misrepresentations were made.  To him, it was a game.  We spent a week falling for a little girl, who had already fallen for another family.  In the end, God is good...we have been able to confirm that this little girl is now living in a lovely home near Atlanta with the family that she had been waiting for.  Happy ending...for all of us.

Upon our rejection, my first reaction was to book tickets home.  Which I did, but then I talked to the big girls.  Their words, "you can't quit.  Go find our girl and come home"...They were far braver than I!  So, we stay, and stay and stay.  Another week goes by before we even get our 3rd and final look at the dreaded SDA books.  We work every angle to identify a child on our own.  But when presented to the SDA, just road blocks.  You pick from their book or nothing.

By this time, these are some of the words that I wrote about my experience...adventure, overwhelming, funny, nervous, panic, emotional, heart wrenching, anxious, despair, doubt, worry, terrified, failure.  It is interesting in looking back at how quickly the humor left and the anxiety set in.  To be completely honest, the anxiety almost did me in...almost made me quit, almost sent me over the deep end.  Anxiety is a tricky thing, because with anxiety comes all kinds of irrational thoughts and behaviors.  It takes over, is all consuming.  Anxiety leads to more anxiety, fear and even terror.  I was there, I remember even now.  Just typing this causes a catch in my throat.  I know people who deal with anxiety daily, I feel for them...deeply.  But, and please hear this...you don't have to live life gripped by anxiety, really you don't.  It was a battle, every day, every minute, every second...but I refused to give in to it.  I read, I prayed, I cried but I never, ever gave up...don't ever give up.

The whole experience was surreal.  Ground hog day so to speak.  To cold to do anything outside, walking to the store took major effort just in bundling up enough so you didn't freeze in the 5 block walk.  Then the process of unbundling made me give a second thought to even leaving the apartment.  So I lived the same day over and over.  Life simplified, not a bad thing really.

So where are we now?  Well, one year ago today we met.  She said no...but miraculously she changed her mind with literally just moments to spare.  Her no became a yes.  As for my journey there vs. my journey here, well lets just say I am an American girl.  I do want to explore the rest of the journey, because really, after she said yes the bottom fell out.  I fell apart.  I lost a lot of weight, I cried constantly, I was terribly homesick and I was now just down right terrified.  Terrified that I had made a terrible mistake for my family.  That I was causing permanent damage to the three I already had.  I gave into the lies and the next 6 weeks were the most painful of my life.  That part of the story is where the healing takes place, not before I am scrapping the bottom of the barrel though.

For now, let me tell you...WOW, what a difference a year makes.  I only cry every now and then.  Mostly when I think back at where I was in relation to where I am now.  I am in awe, true awe of it all really.  Trust me, it has nothing to do with me.  It is all God.

Here is a little story for you, one I haven't shared before.  Those of you who followed my trip to crazyville know that I made a quick trip home during the process.  It was after she said yes, to wait for our court date that we thought would be several weeks away.  Only ended up being a 4 day trip.  Anyway, I have always considered myself a good traveler.  I LOVE to fly, I would fly in just about anything, hot air balloon, single engine plane, helicopter...you name it.  Didn't give it a second thought. Now, we have all heard about planes making emergency landings for a passenger with a medical emergency.  Well, on my way home for my short little visit I was seated between a sweet girl from Poland who was content to sleep and a VERY large man who insisted on flirting with the flight attendant for the entire 10 hour flight.  I am land locked.  I took a sleeping pill, and this is when you know it is bad...the sleeping bill does nothing.  I am tracking our flight, many, many hours over the Atlantic, Iceland, Canada.  The anxiety is so strong, the stress so great I honestly thought I was going to make the evening news as being "that" passenger who forced a commercial aircraft to an emergency landing in Iceland.  Seriously...the thought crossed my mind that I was having an anxiety attack that was growing so severe that I would force down a commercial flight.  Good news...I pushed through.  Now it is kind of funny, especially since once the plane was on the ground everything went wrong in getting through customs and out to my girls...when I finally burst through the door it was like a flood gate.  Relief!

Looking back, the first month of the journey was the easy part.  It is the last 6 weeks that about put me in a home...a crazy home.  For now, I relish in the amazing goodness of God.  One "NO", from a girl who is now with a forever family.  A second "NO", followed by a "I think I made a mistake" YES.  Now a year later we have this beautiful, crazy smart, not so little anymore girl living in our house. She calls me mom and Jamie, dad.  She even slipped one day and told me she loved me.  She has 3 sisters, one dog, a cat and one crazy, obnoxious family.  We fight, we yell, we laugh. We are family.

In one year, she has thrown a football (she LOVES football) and a softball.  Both of which she had never seen.  Played volleyball with Lily.  She is starting soccer next week.  She will be going into middle school next year being "high proficient" in literacy and advanced in math.  She has jumped right through the ESL classes being on the final stage right now.  Most kiddos, it takes 2 to 3 years..not this one, she is crazy smart.  Fast, she can run like nothing I have ever seen.  Finished 2nd in the 200 meter run last year only because she didn't know the route and took a wrong turn, however she hates the distance runs that her sisters prefer.  She has been to camp, witness her first live major league baseball game, the Superbowl, gone to an American water park and amusement park.  Camped out in the back yard, had sleep overs, fought with her sisters, adapted to Mexican food, traveled to Mexico for a family vacation, gone on hikes in the Rocky Mountains.  Has freedom to ride her bike or scooter, fly a kite or take the dog for a walk.  She eats when she is hungry, sleeps in a cozy bed and refused to go to bed without hugs from the entire family...especially Annabelle.   She is learning about Jesus and loves it.

Me, well...I have returned to normal.  I know, normal?  I have left the anxiety behind.  But is serves as a constant reminder of the faithfulness of God.  I shake my head at the thought of where I was just on year ago.  I am amazed, thankful, and humbled.  It isn't about what we can do, it is about what God can do through us...if we are willing and available.  Trust me, I was nothing God was everything.

Family update.  Emma is doing great.  We have started the college visit circuit.  She ran cross country and her swim team won state for the 4th straight year.  Track season has started.  She has taken her SAT and did great.  Annabelle, my witty one.  She has this Freshman thing under control.  Going to the gym twice a week and loves showing me her "guns."  Lily, well what can I say...Me, mini me and mini mini me.  Full of life, energy and joy...most of the time.  She has many words to share.  Daria, I think I summed up before.  We are blessed.

As for Jamie and I, never a dull moment.  Right now we are in the throws of trying to purchase and build out our own catering facility.  After navigating the whole adoption application process, I didn't care if I ever saw an application for anything that was more than 2 pages long.  This health department stuff makes the adoption one look like childs play.  This is causing its own anxiety and stress.  BUT...thankfully, I now get it.  And while I might get stressed out, anxiety that overpowers, that is all consuming...that is a thing of the past.  Now it is a challenge, something to conquer.  Hope I still feel that way in a couple of weeks, actually a couple months when the payments kick in.

To sum things up...we (I) have come a long way.  This life thing is a long and interesting journey.  I don't know much, but I do know that if you take a short cut, you simply short change your self.  While my journey has been painful, heart wrenching at times, it is who I am and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Lessons learned, fears put to rest...trust God!  Faith, That's it!  Simple really...hind sight.