Lessons Learned and Fears Put to Rest...Faith

Where to start?  It was one year ago today that we met Daria...March 6, 2012 a day forever etched in my brain.

A few weeks ago, I told you that I was going to take a little trip.  A trip down memory lane, the name?  Adoption journey Ukraine.  A route I never expected, but now I would never trade.  I have been reading through this blog, starting with the first entry in January 2012.  I am trying not to read ahead, I want to relive the feelings, emotions of each and every day.  Take my self back to who I was then and where God has brought me too.  Remarkable, really!

I have a feeling this is gonna be a long one, don't feel obligated to see it through.  This is more for me, but if you can get something out of it, well that is an added bonus.

As I started re-reading each entry, I decided to write down words, feelings that jumped out at me.  I won't venture into the "I was there, but ended here" until it is all said and done...6 weeks from now.  Where I started and where I was mentally by this time last year, shocking!

It all started out rosy.  All talk of adventure and the "funny pages," looking at the humor I saw in my surroundings.  The parking, transportation, communication.  I actually started this process with a sense of humor...shocked how  quickly I lost that.  Four days in and the first sign of disappointment and sadness set in.  Disappointment in the system, sadness in missing my girls.  Yet, I was constantly inspired by Lily, her courage, her maturity, her spirituality.

The cold was a common thread...all the way to the end.  I think back and actually shiver at the thought. I so wish I could put to words the bone chilling cold.  Beyond any description.  I know that being from Colorado, where we have more average days of sunshine than Hawaii, I need my sunlight.  The cold, grey, cloudy weather definitely affects the brain, the mood.  Even if it is sunny, if it is too cold to walk 2 blocks without having every bit of your skin covered...well then I wasn't going out.

Early on, I was taken by the architecture of the buildings.  Some how I managed to just pick out the "pretty" ones.  Around every corner was another building that just oozed history.  But by the time I left, honestly I was hard pressed to find any building beautiful.  Sad really, many buildings are older than anything we Americans could ever comprehend.  But after one is emotionally, physically and spiritually battered, everything is ugly.

Within 4 days, anxiety had set in.  We had made it through our first SDA appointment only to leave without a child selected.  Simple tasks became overwhelming.  I lost the ability to care for myself on the most basic levels, shopping and cooking.  My sleep was affected and the weight loss began.  Yet, I could still manage to find humor in day to day experiences.  The cars driving on the side walk...really?  The characters, dressed up in character trying to get a buck or two for a picture.  The wild dogs, the crazy escalators and the underground city called a mall.  I was struck by the average shoe choice of a Ukrainian woman...heals, high heals...very high heals on very icy, frozen sidewalks.  We had moved a couple of times in the first week, this was enough to send me into a tizzy.  I was nearly paralyzed by what seemed like a daunting task.

The people and places of that first week are forever burned in my heart.  Karen, Tara & Phil, the pastor at ICA, the small group Bible study.  Grilled cheese and home made tomato soup.  Little girls giggles.
We met Jesse, tiny Tara and Jonathan, Kristi and Steve who prayed us back into the game.  And trust me, that is just a few of the many, many wonderful people that without them...I would have run for the hills, of Colorado that is.  I would have bailed on this adoption journey and run for home with my tail between my legs...thanks for pushing me through.  Then add in all the folks back state side, Clay, Selene, Steve, Hollis, Babette, Stacy, Cindi, Christina and Rob, Brenda, Melody, Suzie, Kathy, Clarke & Kris, sweet Monique & Chris and my amazing "big" girls, Emma & Annabelle...wow, thanks guys.  Sweet tears running down my cheeks as I remember the village (can't believe I am using a Clinton saying) that helped us through.

On February 13 we had our second SDA appointment...disappointment.  While we did find a sweet, adorable little girl, we believe to this day that neither the SDA, the orphanage director, inspector or even our facilitator were completely honest and upfront with us.  We were sent to meet a little girl, who unbeknown to us, was waiting for another American family to come for her.  I am pretty sure that it was a play for a bribe on the directors part.  He wanted cash, American currency...that would buy a child in his book.  Through his corruption, many misrepresentations were made.  To him, it was a game.  We spent a week falling for a little girl, who had already fallen for another family.  In the end, God is good...we have been able to confirm that this little girl is now living in a lovely home near Atlanta with the family that she had been waiting for.  Happy ending...for all of us.

Upon our rejection, my first reaction was to book tickets home.  Which I did, but then I talked to the big girls.  Their words, "you can't quit.  Go find our girl and come home"...They were far braver than I!  So, we stay, and stay and stay.  Another week goes by before we even get our 3rd and final look at the dreaded SDA books.  We work every angle to identify a child on our own.  But when presented to the SDA, just road blocks.  You pick from their book or nothing.

By this time, these are some of the words that I wrote about my experience...adventure, overwhelming, funny, nervous, panic, emotional, heart wrenching, anxious, despair, doubt, worry, terrified, failure.  It is interesting in looking back at how quickly the humor left and the anxiety set in.  To be completely honest, the anxiety almost did me in...almost made me quit, almost sent me over the deep end.  Anxiety is a tricky thing, because with anxiety comes all kinds of irrational thoughts and behaviors.  It takes over, is all consuming.  Anxiety leads to more anxiety, fear and even terror.  I was there, I remember even now.  Just typing this causes a catch in my throat.  I know people who deal with anxiety daily, I feel for them...deeply.  But, and please hear this...you don't have to live life gripped by anxiety, really you don't.  It was a battle, every day, every minute, every second...but I refused to give in to it.  I read, I prayed, I cried but I never, ever gave up...don't ever give up.

The whole experience was surreal.  Ground hog day so to speak.  To cold to do anything outside, walking to the store took major effort just in bundling up enough so you didn't freeze in the 5 block walk.  Then the process of unbundling made me give a second thought to even leaving the apartment.  So I lived the same day over and over.  Life simplified, not a bad thing really.

So where are we now?  Well, one year ago today we met.  She said no...but miraculously she changed her mind with literally just moments to spare.  Her no became a yes.  As for my journey there vs. my journey here, well lets just say I am an American girl.  I do want to explore the rest of the journey, because really, after she said yes the bottom fell out.  I fell apart.  I lost a lot of weight, I cried constantly, I was terribly homesick and I was now just down right terrified.  Terrified that I had made a terrible mistake for my family.  That I was causing permanent damage to the three I already had.  I gave into the lies and the next 6 weeks were the most painful of my life.  That part of the story is where the healing takes place, not before I am scrapping the bottom of the barrel though.

For now, let me tell you...WOW, what a difference a year makes.  I only cry every now and then.  Mostly when I think back at where I was in relation to where I am now.  I am in awe, true awe of it all really.  Trust me, it has nothing to do with me.  It is all God.

Here is a little story for you, one I haven't shared before.  Those of you who followed my trip to crazyville know that I made a quick trip home during the process.  It was after she said yes, to wait for our court date that we thought would be several weeks away.  Only ended up being a 4 day trip.  Anyway, I have always considered myself a good traveler.  I LOVE to fly, I would fly in just about anything, hot air balloon, single engine plane, helicopter...you name it.  Didn't give it a second thought. Now, we have all heard about planes making emergency landings for a passenger with a medical emergency.  Well, on my way home for my short little visit I was seated between a sweet girl from Poland who was content to sleep and a VERY large man who insisted on flirting with the flight attendant for the entire 10 hour flight.  I am land locked.  I took a sleeping pill, and this is when you know it is bad...the sleeping bill does nothing.  I am tracking our flight, many, many hours over the Atlantic, Iceland, Canada.  The anxiety is so strong, the stress so great I honestly thought I was going to make the evening news as being "that" passenger who forced a commercial aircraft to an emergency landing in Iceland.  Seriously...the thought crossed my mind that I was having an anxiety attack that was growing so severe that I would force down a commercial flight.  Good news...I pushed through.  Now it is kind of funny, especially since once the plane was on the ground everything went wrong in getting through customs and out to my girls...when I finally burst through the door it was like a flood gate.  Relief!

Looking back, the first month of the journey was the easy part.  It is the last 6 weeks that about put me in a home...a crazy home.  For now, I relish in the amazing goodness of God.  One "NO", from a girl who is now with a forever family.  A second "NO", followed by a "I think I made a mistake" YES.  Now a year later we have this beautiful, crazy smart, not so little anymore girl living in our house. She calls me mom and Jamie, dad.  She even slipped one day and told me she loved me.  She has 3 sisters, one dog, a cat and one crazy, obnoxious family.  We fight, we yell, we laugh. We are family.

In one year, she has thrown a football (she LOVES football) and a softball.  Both of which she had never seen.  Played volleyball with Lily.  She is starting soccer next week.  She will be going into middle school next year being "high proficient" in literacy and advanced in math.  She has jumped right through the ESL classes being on the final stage right now.  Most kiddos, it takes 2 to 3 years..not this one, she is crazy smart.  Fast, she can run like nothing I have ever seen.  Finished 2nd in the 200 meter run last year only because she didn't know the route and took a wrong turn, however she hates the distance runs that her sisters prefer.  She has been to camp, witness her first live major league baseball game, the Superbowl, gone to an American water park and amusement park.  Camped out in the back yard, had sleep overs, fought with her sisters, adapted to Mexican food, traveled to Mexico for a family vacation, gone on hikes in the Rocky Mountains.  Has freedom to ride her bike or scooter, fly a kite or take the dog for a walk.  She eats when she is hungry, sleeps in a cozy bed and refused to go to bed without hugs from the entire family...especially Annabelle.   She is learning about Jesus and loves it.

Me, well...I have returned to normal.  I know, normal?  I have left the anxiety behind.  But is serves as a constant reminder of the faithfulness of God.  I shake my head at the thought of where I was just on year ago.  I am amazed, thankful, and humbled.  It isn't about what we can do, it is about what God can do through us...if we are willing and available.  Trust me, I was nothing God was everything.

Family update.  Emma is doing great.  We have started the college visit circuit.  She ran cross country and her swim team won state for the 4th straight year.  Track season has started.  She has taken her SAT and did great.  Annabelle, my witty one.  She has this Freshman thing under control.  Going to the gym twice a week and loves showing me her "guns."  Lily, well what can I say...Me, mini me and mini mini me.  Full of life, energy and joy...most of the time.  She has many words to share.  Daria, I think I summed up before.  We are blessed.

As for Jamie and I, never a dull moment.  Right now we are in the throws of trying to purchase and build out our own catering facility.  After navigating the whole adoption application process, I didn't care if I ever saw an application for anything that was more than 2 pages long.  This health department stuff makes the adoption one look like childs play.  This is causing its own anxiety and stress.  BUT...thankfully, I now get it.  And while I might get stressed out, anxiety that overpowers, that is all consuming...that is a thing of the past.  Now it is a challenge, something to conquer.  Hope I still feel that way in a couple of weeks, actually a couple months when the payments kick in.

To sum things up...we (I) have come a long way.  This life thing is a long and interesting journey.  I don't know much, but I do know that if you take a short cut, you simply short change your self.  While my journey has been painful, heart wrenching at times, it is who I am and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Lessons learned, fears put to rest...trust God!  Faith, That's it!  Simple really...hind sight.