American Slide

I wanted to come up with some great sports analogy.  But even the great Tebow overtime wins or "The Drive" don't equate.  This was bigger, more shocking, more emotional than anything we could have ever expected.  So rather we will call it an American Slide because in Russian the word for Roller Coaster is American Slide (ish).  And let me tell you, we truly lived the American Slide today.

I will do my best to recap, but to be honest I don't know if I can possibly put it into words.  But here is my attempt.

We left Kiev last night on a 11pm overnight train that was set to arrive in Nikopol at 9am.  Lily got her train ride, I survived my train ride.  Glad to say, been there, done that.  We arrived and headed by taxi to the Inspectors office.  Immediately I liked her, she was kind, genuine and really wants what is best for these kids.  She was fulling in our corner.  She took us to the Director of the orphanage who is what I would describe as completely neutral, not overly enthusiastic but not negative either.  The Dr. came in to tell us about her health, perfectly healthy.  Then they told us about her studies, she is bright and smart and in 4th grade.  She will be 11 years old in July.  After that they told us that the Director had spoken to her last night and that she had said she didn't want to leave.  Additionally, a Ukrainian family came to see her recently to see if she would like to live with them as a foster child and she said no.  Needless to say, we were very apprehensive.  But we will press forward, meet her and see.  She would be in school until 1pm so we were to return then.

We leave and go get some food.  At this point my prayer was very simple.  Let her yes be yes or her no be no.  I didn't want to be here for another week, playing, passing time just to find out that the answer was no all along.  I just needed clarity.  And, I must say, I was NOT optimistic.  I was even a bit worried that my heart was hardening and wondering if I even cared if she said no.  At this point I had one foot out the door.  But I kept whispering to God, God you can touch my heart, you can touch her heart.  You can make it all ok.

We had a pretty big group with us, obviously there was the three of us, our facilitator, our translator and the sweet Karen.  I don't think they are used to seeing groups this big.  They bring our girl in and they introduce us, she is stunningly beautiful and right there in my heart softened, but now I was terrified to hear no again.  It dawned on us later this evening that no one ever told her our names, other than Lily.  We were mama and papa.  They ask us to tell her about our family, so we pull out the picture book that Annabelle put together.  We show her each picture, describe what or who she is looking at.  We tell her the things we like to do as a family and ask her what things she likes to do.  Very superficial but necessary.  From there the invite us to go into another room.  We tell her we have more pictures on the computer or ask if she wants to play a game.  She says pictures.  So we put our whole life in pictures on display.  The whole time wondering what is going on in her little head.  And growing more homesick as I look at my beautiful girls back home.  Still playing it out in my head, how fast can I get home when she says no.  We had about 30 minutes with her before they came to get her for lunch.  We wait.

During this time we are told that after lunch she has studies.  We ask if she can skip studies to come back and visit with us, no answer.  Then the inspector comes back and says that the director wants to have our girl come back to her office after lunch so she and the inspector can ask her if she would like to be adopted.  The inspector would have preferred to wait until tomorrow to ask any question, she felt is was to soon.  But she agreed and was going to try to formulate less as a direct question and more of "how are you feeling" question.  We were told that we could not be in the room when they talk to her.

To our surprise, she came straight back to us after lunch.  She wanted to look at more pictures so this time we pull up our friends on Facebook who have adopted from Ukraine and start to show her the network of families we know and all kids represented.  This seemed to intrigue her.  Then the inspector comes and gets all of us to go back to the directors office.  Now I am confused.  But we follow along.  Lily didn't want to go, she had already been through one rejection.  But she was brave and she went, bracing herself to the response.  With little fan fare and no input from us, they put all the cards on the table and flat out ask her if she would like to go to America.  She said going to America sounds interesting but she doesn't want to leave Ukraine.  At that point, she was really saying that she didn't want to leave the orphanage because, as I mentioned before she had turned down a Ukrainian family already.   She said a very clear and very firm no.

Ugh, heartbreak.  Not just for us, but in my mind for her.  She was being given a gift and she was saying no thank you.  So many comparisons to Christ and people.  The heartbreak He must feel when He offers us a hope and a future, an assurance and so often we say no.  My heart broke!  We pick ourselves up off the floor and move to another room where we will wait for our second "rejection" letter.   Karen has a good cry with me.  We talk about how sad it really was for this little girl, and how scary this must all be for her.  I told Karen that I didn't understand, that never in a million years did I ever think I would come home empty handed.  But I knew I could come home with my head held high.  That I had done all I could, that I stood, I fought, I prayed but for what ever reason God has a different plan for us.  I told Karen that I didn't need to know why, it wouldn't change anything or change my love for Christ.  Sometimes the answer, for what ever reason, is no.

So the doer in me starts to work.  My girls first, Grace Place staff second, my travel agent third, our social worker at home forth and then to FaceBook.  Within minutes the word was out.  The responses start pouring in.  Travel arrangements were started, an exit strategy really.  A couple of people were working different angles, what if the SDA will give us another referral.  At this point, I said no enough already.  We sit, we wait, we plan, we cry.  Finally the taxi showed up to take us back to the train station.  We walk outside and wait some more, our facilitator was still waiting on the dreaded letter.  Karen goes in to check on her, comes back out to say it is nearly done.  In just moments our facilitator comes out with a big smile one her face.  Now I am just annoyed, what does she have to be so happy about?  She takes a few steps and says, "she changed her mind!"  Nobody moved, nobody responded.  She says it again, "she changed her mind!"  "Come the inspector wants to talk to you."  Still we stand there, my mind racing...this is it, my GOD moment I had prayed for.  The moment in time where I knew that this truly was Gods story to tell.  Only He could do this, like this, at literally the last possible moment.  I bury my face n my hands, half crying and half laughing.  Karen is laughing, then hugging me....WOW.

We head straight back into the inspectors office, she actually apologies on behalf of our little girl.  And asks if we would like to go back and see her.  She was waiting for us in the directors office, I say yes, now, lets go.  And go we went.  She was sitting there in the office, waiting for us.  We were told that when she left us she went up to her lesson, right in the middle of her lesson she stood up and said, "what have I done?"  And changed her mind right then and there.  They asked her if she was sure, that is was to painful on the family if you keep changing your mind.  Your yes must be a yes or your no must be a no.  She said it again, yes I am sure.  More tears, but this time tears of joy, of overwhelming everything.  We couldn't believe it.  Still can't really.

Please do not misunderstand me.  I am beyond thrilled but yet beyond terrified.  We have a long way to go, this is all just really starting.  I am trying desperately not to play the what if game.  Now we have to start jumping through all of the logistics of the process.  We pray that we would find favor in this process.

We have settled into a lovely apartment that is very inexpensive and in which I feel very safe.  The plan as of right now is for Jamie and Lily to stay here until Friday night.  Get to know her better, build a relationship.  But then to start making the journey home Friday night.  We are hoping that they will be back in Colorado by Sunday evening.  He will stay at home until court, unless we get a super favorable judge who is willing to allow just me to stay for court, if that could happen it would be a huge financial blessing as we didn't budget for the extra trips to and from home.  As for me, I will stay here, getting to know her, building a trust and a bond until court.  Then God willing, I will come home and reconnect with the family for a couple of weeks and then come back after the mandatory hold is up after court.  It is still all so far off, that all I can allow myself is...tomorrow.  One tomorrow at a time.

I am certain there are many details and events that I have missed but you get the jist of it right.  It has been an emotionally charged and draining process up to this point and I don't want to fool my self that the rest will be any different.  Oh please Lord, make our path straight!

Rejoicing tonight...more tomorrow!