It is Not Welfare, It is Warfare

Today, I had a morning thought so I wanted to get started but for the sake of not over doing it with the blog posts I will write in two session but only post once.  This morning...warfare!

It is NOT welfare, it IS warfare!

Several very wise people told us this, at varying points in this journey.  In my mind they were talking about the actual process of rescuing the child not in terms of what would go on with me.  But warfare is exactly what I am going through in body and mind and spirit.  Sometime the feelings I am having are actually shocking to me, disturbing really.  Thoughts of running away and forgetting the entire process. Something, of course that I could never live with.  But at the moments when those thoughts pop in, they are very real.  I am smart enough to know that that is the enemy at work, trying to discourage me and to get me to stop.  He doesn't want this child rescued.  But my God is bigger and despite the fears, the stresses and the constant anxiety, God plus me, we are a majority.  So step back Satin, don't you know that you have already been defeated.

So this morning I make my petitions know before God and man, waiting expectantly for the outcome of the day.  A glimpse of what the immediate future holds.  This morning I feel empowered.  The reality is, the only thing I can control is my attitude.  And honestly, most days I have struggled to maintain a good attitude.  I had managed to lose complete sight of the magnificent miracle that God had already performed in the change of heart of a little girl.  I quit celebrating the greatness of that moment and got completely sucked down a hole of fear and despair.

Throughout this whole journey, I have been getting two tiny little words gently spoken in my ear, "trust me."  I hear them often but far too often I am so overcome with homesickness, and really just myself, that I have been incapable of letting those words penetrate to my heart.  Of course I trust Him, but my need for answers, clarity, a plan, and I guess control, keeps interfering.  So last night I went to sleep reading the Psalms, this morning I woke up reading the Psalms.  Then I finished Job and heard of God restoring all his wealth and his health.  Giving him more children and living to a ripe old age.  Sometimes you have to wrestle with God, cry out in your desperation, plead your case and then simply trust Him.

I am certain that the wrestling is not done yet.  But the battle is won, it was won long ago on the cross.  Each day will be a battle, the war rages on.  It is not Welfare, It is Warfare.  But the difference between me and Satan, I know who the winner is.

So as I wait for information, I find more calm, more confidence and more assurance with each passing moment.  When we left to make or walk to the orphanage, my head was high, my heart expectant.  The weather was beautiful, nearly a Colorado blue sky, or as close as you can get in Ukraine in the winter.  I even saw some green grass, don't worry still lots of mud and muck.  But for the first time, I was hot making the across town trip.

When we arrive for our visit, it is light, we play with domino's, more of a destructive game of wipe-out really.   Then the facilitator arrives with the long awaited news....Court Date?  My hope was for next week, that is what I was praying for.  Because the impatient American had a time table in mind.  I knew when Lily's birthday was, I knew when Emma's prom was, all those important dates a mom must know.  To me, if court was next week, while I might miss Lily's actual birthday, we could still celebrate when I got home.  Prom on the other hand, not a lot of flexibility there.  And I can't miss my daughters 1st prom. But if court could be done next week, it could happen.

But of course, Gods ways are not our ways.  While we did get our court date, it is much later than I had in mind.  April 2nd, really!  At first I was mad, you have got to be kidding me.  If that is the case we may set the record for the longest adoption process ever.  Well, I knew that was really not the case but it is the longest of anyone we knew.  And to me that might as well have been eternity.  So I vent!  Don't worry, nothing inappropriate just expressing the reality of the situation.  While yes, I am an American that doesn't mean I am made out of money.  I can't just make multiple transatlantic trips with no regard to money. Don't you get it, I already have three daughters who have been without a mother for nearly 6 weeks and you want me to give another, possibly 6 weeks more.  Sorry, no can do!  Then those two little words, "trust me."  Urg!

After a few moments, a long glance at the calendar and few conversations I realize that God really is in control.  What this means is that I can go home, NOW.  I can check in on my family, take care of a little business, sleep in my own bed and eat, really eat.  Then, Jamie AND I can come back for court TOGETHER.  While the bad part of this is the fact that I have to leave a sweet little girl sitting in an orphanage, trusting that these Americans will really do what they say they will do, return.  That was hard!  But I was struck by her trust, she just wants to know when she gets to come to America.  And while I still can't give her an exact date, I can give her an assurance that I will be back.

There are still several details to work out, there are still things that could change or hurdles that we could encounter, but for now, I come home.  To kiss the sweet faces of those that I have missed so.  I have given those same kisses to the one that I will leave behind, but only for a short time.

So, all you everywhere...I am going home.  However, we are not yet complete.  Still waiting on God for the conclusion to this amazing story that only He can write.

Blessing...next time we shall talk, I will be state side.

Love and Blessing...