Broken Record

At the risk of sounding like a broken record...this is so hard!

While the visits are going great and I have a lot of confidence in the work going on there, I still find each day to be such a struggle.  I know that the real struggle right now is the sheer grief I feel of homesickness and the fact that I can't even begin to pinpoint when I might be home.

It is just plain hard being away from your family, especially your children when they are at an age where you know that they need you.  The reality is I need them, desperately! I miss them, desperately!  I try really hard not to ponder about them all day and I am able to distract myself, but only to a point.  Especially now that I know they are all together.  I wonder what it was like for Jamie and Lily to sleep in their own bed.  To use an American bathroom, to turn on the tv and understand what is being said.  To actually look out the window to the familiar.

There is no antidote for this, at least none that I have figured out.  It makes me wonder, how in the world can a parent walk away from their child?  How can they leave their own flesh and blood.  I know that sometimes it is because they simply can not provide for them, and therefore feel they have no option.  But that isn't always the case.  I simply can not wait to smother my girls with hugs and kisses.  I can not wait to be able to touch them.  I could never walk away from them, ever!

I try to constantly remind myself that everything I am feeling right now, is what this sweet little girl is going to be feeling very soon.  I know that she needs this time as closure.  I know that rushing it might not be the best thing for her.  I try, I try!  But my heart longs to go home, with her, to join all our hearts together as one.

Today was similar to yesterday, we were allowed off the property once again.  But this time she asked if she could bring 3 friends with her.  We asked, and were granted permission.  She chose two girls and one boy to go along.  One boy and girl were a sibling pair been there only two weeks and one single girl who had only been there one week.  Our girl seems to be a leader of sorts and seems to like to take care of others.  They again led the way back to the local pizza joint.  No problem figuring out what they wanted, she pretty much set the tone with the same as she had had the previous day.  They were happy just to get out.

It was a bit of a different feel but it also gave some insight into her personality.  There was lots of giggles and chatter.  They had fun comparing who had eaten what and even figured out exactly how many pieces had been consumed as a total.  It was cute, she was eager to get everyone coats for them and make sure that they were all together.

On our way back we found a little park which offered a nice diversion.  She and the boy had a great time swinging on the swings and seeing who could jump the farthest.  She is a dare devil, how high, how far, how fast.  It was good for them, the smiles were priceless.

We made our way back and still had some time so we found our way to our usual room.  Today I thought I would ask if she had any photos of her own that she would like to show me.  She said she had some from Spain.  One of the other little girls went and got them in no time and so we started working our way through 2 very nice, hard back, professional book style albums that the family she had stayed with on both visits had made for her.  Again, it was a glimpse into her personality.  She doesn't seem timid or shy and most pictures were filled with activity.  Alpine slide, trampoline, jump house, swimming pool.  Seems she has been exposed to a good number of things that she could expect to see in America.

From there her friends kind of came and went so we started talking.  We ended up on Grandma again, she spoke fondly of her.  I was a bit more bold today and I ask her about her parents.  She doesn't remember them.  She was with her grandma since she was 3 or 4 years old.  I told her a bit about my extended family and Jamie's as well.  Covered the grandma's and grandpa's, aunts and uncles and cousins.  Briefly, not listing all the names and where they all live, just that they were there.  She was taken by how large the family is.

I asked her if anyone had explained the upcoming process to her and all she really knows is that she is going home with us and when she turns 18 it will be her choice as to whether she wants to come back to Ukraine or stay in America.  I told her that was correct and didn't go into the logistics of the coming weeks.  What good would that do given that I don't even know what they might be.

I showed some emotion today while talking about Jamie and the girls at home.  And also when talking about my sister who had died.  Not to much, but a little bit.  She would look at me very clearly and linger a bit longer than usual.  She didn't know really what to think of that.  I would rub her back and touch her hair from time to time.  I asked if that bothered her and she said no, she seems very comfortable most all of the time.  She asked if she could keep some of the flash cards and the picture/word book with her and I said absolutely.

She wanted for me to bring the coloring book and pencils with me tomorrow and I also got some beads for her to play with.  I think she likes having her friends join in and on our way back today, they were all thanking her for taking them along, that they had liked it very much and had fun.  They wanted to know if they could go with us tomorrow.  Tomorrow they have school so we can't go until later in the day and will have less time so we won't be leaving the grounds.  We shall play and they are welcome to join us.

I hope it doesn't seem like I am stuck in one giant pity party, I am trying very hard to stand tall and push on.  And all in all, I think I am doing pretty good.  I pray constantly for the peace of God to wash over me, to remove the anxiety in my gut and bring calm that can only come from Him.  But part of me thinks that He wants me to feel every bit of this.  Again, it is that compassion thing.  Feeling isn't a bad thing, it is just what I do with those feeling.  So, I don't beat myself for feeling sad, or homesick or scared, or what ever the feeling of the moment might be.  I do pray for relief though.

Blessing til next time!