Pressing In, Pressing On

It is Saturday morning here in Ukraine, and my mind is split between three different time zones.  As I speak, Jamie and Lily are getting ready to land in Germany to wait out their layover and ultimately their flight back to U.S. soil.  And back at home in Colorado my girls are just heading to bed, maybe!  It is just 10:30pm on a Friday night and they are teenagers.  Of course, there is the reality of where I am.  7:30am in Nikopol, Ukraine.  This is an early morning of me, since we have gotten here I have developed some really messed up sleeping habits.  But last night I went to bed at a more normal hour and managed to get nearly 8 hours of sleep.  That comes out to be about 7 hours more than I was able to get the night before.

Yesterday was kind of a weird day, like most days have been since I arrived.  But after spending a month here, waiting and hoping, now that we have met this little one my focus has to change.  And to be honest, it is hard.  Especially since in our minds, we would come and quickly be able to find our girl and start bonding with her as a group.  But when things went so long, then all of the other issues in life had to start getting some attention and we had to change our plan.  All along we pretty much knew that the day would come when Jamie and Lily would leave, but we expected that to be after court not 3 days after we met her.

So now I am here trying to bond and develop a relationship with this little girl that I know absolutely nothing about.  I don't know what put her in this orphanage.  I don't know what kind of life experiences she has had, good or bad.  When you start out with your child as an infant, you get to see their personality develop.  You have those moments of staring into their little eyes, you hold them close, you rock them, kiss them, change them, dress them.  You are their everything and they yours during those precious days and months.  Here, there are 10 years that are unaccounted for for me.  I am trying to figure out what is appropriate to say, ask or do.  We can play games, yes and mess around with google translate.  I ask superficial questions about favorite color or food.  What is you favorite subject to study.  But nothing deep, or probing.  Obviously, it is too soon for that.  I have to be honest, it is so awkward for me, not natural.

I think I need to lighten up and relax.  I know I am tense constantly.  I know she needs to see joy, compassion, and a confidence.  All things that come and go depending on the other things going on in my heart or mind, my worries back home, my fears about the future.  I am trying to constantly remind myself of the joy I felt when we got word that she had changed her mind.  I am trying to remind myself of all of the other families that have walked this road before me.  I am trying to remind myself that I am strong, I am confident and I am full of joy.  I am trying to be myself but right now I am not really sure who that is.

I wish we could go outside and really play, but it is still cold here and snow still covers the ground at the orphanage.  So while we might be able to go out in the yard area, there is no running in the grass or playing at a play ground.  No kicking a soccer ball.  Good old fashion play would be good for us both.  I could see a bit more of her personality come out as she could see some of mine.  I would like to take her for a walk off the property but on the weekend the director is not in and with out her permission I can't.

Developing a routine seems important.  That was Jamie's advice before he left.  Try to set up a schedule that is consistent.  Go at the same time each day and leave at the same time each day.  Which I implemented immediately.  She was out of school for the holiday Thursday through Sunday, so each of those days I went at 11am and left at 2pm, which is lunch time.  When she goes back to school on Monday I will have to figure out her school schedule, which varies day to day.  And then see if we can work out a set time during the week.  Routine is good for me and it will be an important thing for her to because we definitely have a routine at home.  Don't get me wrong, the orphanage is all about routine but yet routine with complete "structure" or supervision.

Yesterday brought a huge blessing my way in the form of a couple from our home town and church.  Bill and Karen Miller made a 2 1/2 hour drive from where they are staying in Kherson to visit me.  And Karen is kind enough to stay with me for a couple of days.  This is absolutely huge in my little world right now, such a blessing.  A distraction, a voice of reason, a sister in Christ, an encourager, a support.  Someone to talk to about things other than the adoption or orphanage.  She is really helping me settle in to this a bit more.

The other thing that is helping is me taking charge.  Taking charge of all the things that I had just allowed Jamie to do, the money, the food and even keeping track of the apartment key.  I take charge at home, make things happen but for some reason here it has been really difficult for me to do that.  I have to take back control of my life, in any area I can.  There are still plenty of areas that I can't control but those I can, I must.  Beyond that, I need to try to separate myself from this silly computer.  And this is a tough one because I just want to feel some connection to my world back home, but at the same time I don't think it is health.  So last night I didn't troll Facebook all night grasping for a glimpse of home, I checked in from time to time but actually spent the evening sitting in a separate room from the computer.  Since we don't have wireless here, I can't just take it with me.

I want to try to focus and actually read a book.  I have two that need to be read, one on the process of parenting a hurt child and the other for entertainment.  I got back into the Word yesterday, and that obviously helped.  I am ahead on my reading plan and not loving that I am in Job right in the middle of this so I try to expand my reading to include the Psalms and Proverbs.  I have loved all the scripture that folks have sent my way, so much of it was spot to right where I was at at that very moment.  And the words of encouragement are huge.  Just the little emails or face book messages are treasures to my heart.

Today we will be walking to the orphanage, it is a long walk it takes about 30 minutes.  I really do want to start running when I get home, this is a good little (very little) base to get started with.  I wish I could run here, it would be good for my mind and my stress level.  Still too much snow and really the ice is the concern.  That and I left my sneakers in Kiev and I am pretty sure that some American lady running for exercise in the middle of a Ukrainian winter would draw more attention than I want.

I can't wait to go outside with shoes on, not boots, but actual shoes.  I have only worn sneakers once this entire month...urg!  And really, my 5 or so shirts and 3 pairs of jeans, I am so over you as well.  Oh then there is the hair.  What a mess the hair is.  I am pretty sure that I am gonna have to by some hair color here really soon.  That could end up being a very funny story, me coloring my hair trying to follow the Russian directions.  Pretty sure that won't end up ideal.

Time to press in for the day, a little Word a little Prayer and suit up and press on out the door.