Mothers Day

Well it is Mothers Day 2012 and to be completely honest, I have felt like it has been my Mothers Day for the past 4 weeks.  Ever since my feet hit U.S. soil and we Degnan's were reunited as a complete family, a family of 6...it has been Mothers Day.  I continue to stand in awe of where I was and where I have come. Full circle is complete...

Today I couldn't help but think about the amazing women that have filled my life.  Two strong and determined grandmothers, one who is still living at the age of 93 and the other who lived to, I believe 89 years of age.  Both a bit bull headed, both a bit stubborn, both with strong personalities, both with strong convictions, both raised amazing kids who became my parents.  Who both, not so ironically, share many personality traits with their parents.   Luckily that jean pool has been a bit diluted through the generations....lucky for me, no bull headedness here!!!  Well, maybe there is hope for my girls anyway.  Seriously, my Nana and Grangran both contribute, directly and indirectly to the woman and mom I am today.  Their unique quirks and all...

I think most of us, at least by the time we are parents, have a great appreciation for our moms.  Even if there are things that we do differently.  Even if there are hurts or disappointments, we have grown up and now understand that this being a mommy thing is much harder that we originally thought.  We come to understand that while they may not have been perfect, they were perfect for us.  Because if it weren't for them, we wouldn't be who we are today.  I am no different, my mom wasn't perfect...I am not perfect.  The truth is, most of us who call ourselves mom are simply trying to do our best.  To show love, courage, conviction, to guide, to discipline, to be a positive role model, someone that our kids may one day, want to be like.  Trust me, I goof it up regularly.  I get grumpy, short tempered, annoyed, and often feel inconvenienced.  But the truth is, parenting is usually inconvenient.  Truth is, parenting isn't about me, it is about them.  It is an honor, a privilege and a huge responsibility, one I don't take lightly.  

My mom...Ann, well she is a great mom.  Perfect, again no, but absolutely perfect for me.  She has modeled what courage and character are.  No parent should ever have to bury a child, I saw my mom do just that.  I have often reflected on the fact that as hard as it was for me to lose my sister, it was harder yet watching my mom and dad lose a daughter.  But through the heart break, the sadness and the gut-wrenching sorrow, my mom was a pillar.  A constant inspiration of faith in the face of tragedy.  She has faced more than her fair share of heartache and hardship, yet she has never wavered in her faith.  She modeled commitment, compassion and conviction.  For that, I am grateful.  But not just for that, she has given sacrificially and loved unconditionally.  Thanks Mommy!

Bobbi Sue...my big sister!  Who in 1995 died after a short but courageous battle with Leukemia.  Bobbi, I have always look up to her.  She was hell on wheels as a teenager.  You name it, she did it.  I was the shy, quiet (I know, those of you who know me now could never imagine), fearful little sister.  I was constantly amazed at her outgoing personality.  To me it seemed everyone knew Bobbi, everyone loved Bobbi.  She was brave, even before she got sick...it always seemed nothing scared her.  To me, she was the most beautiful girl around.  We were 4 years apart in age and I really was the "little sister."  We couldn't walk anywhere without her getting at least one whistle from some random guy passing by.  It annoyed me really, now it makes me smile just remembering.  My friends would come over and it seemed they were constantly saying "wow, your sister is so pretty."  And she was pretty, gorgeous really.  Her features were the opposite of mine, she had big brown eyes, olive skin.  Her hair was darker and she could actually get a tan.  Ironically, as adults we were the same size yet she always appeared taller and thinner than me.  She had legs, not my little stubby things.  But what I really remember my sister for is the wife and mom that she was.  She loved her family, loved being a wife, loved being a mom.  She was so very proud of her family and poured every bit of her being into them.  Two boys, Tony and Jeff and one little girl, Ginna.  All of whom she would have given everything for...she did just that really.  She fought, she fought hard, with great courage, great conviction and great character.  Tony, Jeff and Ginna, if you know nothing else...know you were loved, you were wanted and you were your moms whole world.  

I had the privilege of living with Bobbi and her husband Bob and the kids for about a year.  Looking back, that year was THE year of the greatest character growth in my life.  I got to participate in a functioning, while not perfect, family.  I got to see the give and take, the sacrifice and the compromise that it takes to make a family work and succeed.  I learned some things not to do, but even more I learned a lot of thing TO do.  I got to be with my sister and her kids, they were so cute....what happened to you guys?  You are all grown up, two of you with kids of your own.  Each of you with your own special gifts, each of you with your own little stamp from your mom.  Wow...what a blessing!

I consider myself blessed, there have been many, many ladies in my life who have poured into me.  Who have modeled what it means to be a wife and a mom.  Some of you consistently over the years, some of you have just entered my life in the past few months.  My hope is that I can offer to other ladies, what each of you has offered to me.  That I could be a role model, someone that can be trusted.  That I might be there for others the way so many have been there for me.  That my experiences, my struggles, my victories could be used to inspire and encourage others.  Ultimately, I pray that my experiences, my struggles and my victories will inspire my girls.  Show them what the possibilities are, show them that they are courageous, they are strong and that they do have a God who loves them even more than there Mom could ever love them.  

What a privilege, what an honor, what a responsibility it is, this Mommy thing.  And how blessed am I! 

I love Mothers Day, not because it is about me, the opposite really.  It makes me realize how blessed I am.  Even more so this year.  I am so blessed to have all these girls, each one of them and their unique personalities.  The girls went shopping together, they had to get a charm for my bracelet that would include Daria's birth stone, now it is complete!  They gave me sweet cards and Daria was the first to hand me a card and wish me a happy mothers day.  She still won't call me mom, or anything else for that matter, but the sentiment was there.  It was cute, it was sweet.  We ended the day with a nice little family walk around the lake.  This doesn't happen often, I will take it when I can get it.  We skipped rocks, played at the play ground and even spotted a huge owl in a tree.  Just look at an owl if you ever wonder about God, his creativity, his sense of humor.  The owl is kind of a freaky creature, beautiful but freaky. 

Today I decided that we should go out to lunch.  I haven't had any mexican food in months...literally.  I knew this would be a stretch for Daria, especially given her "sour cream" tacos of a few weeks ago.  But it was what I really wanted, I figured if worse came to worse she could eat a cheese quesadilla.  Luckily, they had hamburgers.  She still likes the American hamburger...as long as we can get lots, and I do mean lots of mayo for her french fries.  My burrito, well it was a steak burrito stuffed with a cheese enchilada, it was spicy, it was yummy and it was worth every single calorie.  Tonight, Emma made crepes...yum!  

We have tried to call her Grandma a few times and have not ever gotten an answer.  So today before church we tried again.  This time the phone rang several times and then, an answer.  However, it wasn't the answer we were hoping for.  Her mom answered, then her mom shared the news that grandma had passed away...I could hardly believe it.  Really, if only she could have talked to her once.  It left me feeling heartbroken.  Wondering if grandma died of a broken heart, did she know that Daria had made it here safe?  Did she know that she was ok, that she was loved, that she was cared for?  We saw our first hint of emotion, a hint of a tear, a hint of sadness.  All I could do was hug her, tell her how much her grandma loved her and that I am here for her.  She hugged me back and just looked into my eyes.  I so wish I could have understood what her mom said to her, how she broke the news.  I do know that it seemed matter-of-fact.  It was a short conversation.  

Grandma died on May 5, just one day after Jamie's dad.  Really with the time difference, it might have been at nearly the same time.  Interesting really, I told you all how Daria comforted Jamie when she heard the news of his dad.  All day long, I kept going back to that final goodbye.  I knew at that moment that this little grandma would never see her grand-daughter again.  I had no idea that her death would come so soon.  The image of her waving out the window will never leave my mind, it is forever imprinted.   I am so very grateful that we went and said goodbye.  It was obvious that this frail little lady loved her grand-daughter.  

Now...on the lighter side!  Saturday was the Run for Orphans 5k in Loveland.  Jamie and I took the two little girls out bright and early in the morning.  My plan was to walk the race, but somehow I got bunched up with the runners at the start.  When the gun sounded, everyone around my started running...what was I gonna do, walk?  So I figured I could at least start at a nice light jog.  Before long I realized that a good stretch of the course was down hill.  Anybody can run downhill right.  So I figured I would just jog as long as I could and surely by then others around me would start to walk...not so much.  They all kept running, I didn't want to feel like a loser so I kept running too.  Good news, while I did have to walk a short distance (you should always know that if a race starts downhill...it ends uphill) I did run 99% of the course.  The bad news, today I am SO, SO, SO sore.  In fact, I have gotten more sore as the day has gone on, despite going for a good walk tonight in an attempt to "keep things loose."  Jamie was the first family finisher, followed by Lily who ran her second 5k in 7 days and finished super strong and never walked a single step.  Then came me at 32:55, not bad for my first EVER 5k and with no training.  Daria stole the show though, she stole the Ukraine flag from our friend Chris Green at about the one mile mark and never let go.  She and Chris finished together, he painted as a flag, Daria caring her homeland flag proudly. It was a bit of Degnan initiation so to speak, there was a kids fun run...but of course we wouldn't let the girls run that, they had to do the 5k...go big or go home right?  They did great and made us super proud.  Me, I am a little worried as to if I will be able to get out of bed tomorrow.  

Daria will be the first to tell you that she doesn't like the long runs, but put her in a 200 or 400 meter run and watch out.  She finished 2nd in the Ivy Stockwell field day 400m on Friday.  She would have finished 1st but kinda took the corners a bit wide and got passed.  She is a speedy little thing on the sprints.  She had a blast at her first field day, despite the cold and rainy weather.  It was pretty cool to watch her take it all in and jump right in, basketball, hoola-hoops, mush ball (a version of softball), hurdles, balloon toss and an obstacle course.  American fun at its finest. 

The two weeks ahead are already full of end of year activities.  Emma will be competing in the State Championship track meet.  She and the other Berthoud girls are defending state champions.  Jamie and I will be sharing part of our story of the past 3 months at church.  Annabelle is working hard to finish up all of her final projects of her middle school career and getting ready for her 8th grade formal and POL presentation.  Lily has more softball games, and is getting ready pitch.  Daria is just soaking it all in.  We have several friends who have kids graduating on the 26th.  We have end of the year and graduation parties.  My mom comes home this week and will get to meet the newest member of the family.  

What I am relishing in right now is the fact that I am present.  Having 4 kids, it is impossible to make it to every activity, every function.  But what is real, what I do love beyond words is that I have made it to almost everything.  I have taken lunch to Annabelle, made it to field trips and field days.  Seen track meets and softball games, dropped kids off at birthday parties and even picked them up.  I have shopped with them, eaten with them, laughed with them and even been the butt of a few of their jokes and I don't even mind.  

Tomorrow, laundry, lots and lots of laundry....Oh, a mothers day!

Country Road, Take Me Home

Last night I spent an hour writing my latest update.  I finished what I thought was a great entry and went to drop pictures in, and poof...it was gone.  All of it, gone just like that.  I was sad, but I decided it just meant that it was bed time.  So now I try again, hopefully this one will be just as good as yesterdays.  Your gonna have to trust me, it was good, really good.

Anyway, you may remember that during my little sabbatical to Germany I was wandering through a lovely, crowded and very interesting market...all the fresh veggies, meats, cheeses, breads, beer and wine you could imagine.  As I came around the last corner, headed for the door, a cover band started up.  It stopped me cold in my tracks...why?  They were playing Country Road by John Denver.  It was in English, some of the first music I had heard in months that I could understand.  It was by a musician from my old stomping grounds of Aspen.  And the symbolism of the song was overwhelming.  At that moment in time, I wanted nothing more than for that Country Road...I wanted it to take me home, the place where I belong.

I retell that story because yesterday, both Jamie and I found our selves taking that road home...each to our own home town.  Both for very different reason, but ironically both doing it on the exact same day.  He went back to North Port, New York to celebrate and honor his dad who passed away last week.  Me, well back to Estes Park, Colorado with the little girls for a field trip to MacGregor Ranch.  When Jamie goes home, the ocean is always calling him.  When he sees it, smells it, that is when he knows he is home.  For me, the moment I come up over that hill, see the lake, the town and the amazing Rocky Mountains, thats when I know I am home.  All these years, that view still moves me.  Still brings that peace, still makes me smile...that is what home does!

Before I go any further I have to say how blessed I was to have James Degnan as my father-in-law.  He was always kind, generous and sincere.  I liked to refer to him as daddy Degnan, to my girls he was grandpa Jim.  Being the western girl I am, I loved asking him questions about life growing up in New York.  Trying to understand what it must have been like living in the city, this depression era man, son of an Irish dad and Czech mom.  Even though he seldom got around to actually answering my question, I always learned so much more than I was really asking.  He loved to talk and I am pretty sure he never met a stranger.  I remember him smoking the cigars on the front porch with the boys.  Talking baseball with any one who would listen.  He loved food, knew the current price of nearly any given produce item and probably knew the pulse of the stock market better than many brokers.  He was a good man!  He will be missed, by me, by his kids and by his grandkids.  Thanks daddy Degnan:)

I wanted to go with Jamie, but for many reasons it just didn't make sense.  We have the obvious...family, finances and time.  Having been away for 10 weeks out first 18 weeks of 2012, missing so, so much was just part of it.  I have to consider Daria, here is a little girls who is used people leaving her.  I don't want her to think I am just another one of those people.  This time we are having right now, it is important and we will never get a second chance at our start with her.  We all get the financial part of life, travel costs money and after all the money spent on travel, there just isn't anything left.  Not that finances made this decision, they didn't...but I would be lying if I said it didn't contribute.  So, Jamie went, just as he should and I stayed, just as I should.

Our little field trip to the mountains, it was a lovely day.  A nearly perfect day in Estes Park, even no wind.  This was Daria's first trip into the mountains and while she has seen mountains before, never anything like this.  And to top it off, she got to see an actual working ranch.  It doesn't get much more Colorado than that.  She saw an eagle and a hummingbird, road in a wagon, got to milk a cow...well, a fake cow that is.  She toured a pioneer house, saw a real western saddle.  Top that off with a real american school bus ride...Wow!  It was pretty cool on my end to get to experience it through her eyes.  Just a little fyi, she still is charging ahead of the crowd, on everything.  We have actually seen the danger of this habit, more about that later.

We are seeing more and more personality come out.  We are seeing more and more tension, particularly between her and Lily.  They are working through it.  I have to remind Lily often, "remember where she came from."  Sometimes Lily just doesn't get it that Daria just doesn't get it.  She doesn't understand family dynamics, how a family operates.  That you just can't expect a given family member to just stop everything they are doing to go play.  The big girls try to be patient, explain that they are doing homework and can't go.....right now.  Usually the answer is ok, ok, ok...only to move right on to the next person.

The competitiveness is shining through, and that applies to both Daria and Lily.  Neither of them wants to let the other beat them at anything.  While we have tried to teach the rules of the road when it comes to the bike, she often is oblivious to the fact that there is anything else around, like cars...the other day I went out front and found her riding her bike in circles in the street.  Before I knew it, I truck had come along...she just kept on going, circle, circle, circle until I had to shout to get her attention that there was a truck there.  Of course she immediately moved, but she just doesn't really think to look around.  Later the same day she and Lily went for a longer ride, next thing I know Lily comes running in the house in tears, hysterical really.  "I am never riding my bike again."  I ask why, she says because she almost got hit by a car.  Moments later the neighbor was at the door, obviously shaken up, telling me just how close it was...so close the drive wasn't certain that he hadn't hit her.  This is where Daria's charge ahead nature can get her, and in this case Lily who decided to follow right along, in trouble.  Daria was just far enough ahead, because it is always a race, that she cleared the path.  Lily not so much.  I am hoping that a couple of lessons were learned here.  First, don't follow blindly.  Second, stop where the bike path meets the street.  Third, not everything has to be a race.  Good news is, God is good and everyone is ok.

Listening is a big one.  Like most kids she seems to have perfected the art of selective hearing.  Her English is so good, it does her little good to play dumb and act like she doesn't understand me.  Usually, that is just a ploy.  Still can't get her to call me anything...I am getting a little more resolve in not answering until she addresses me by name.

The girls, Daria included continue to amaze me.  Really, all in all, they are doing great.  This isn't easy what they are doing.  Here Daria is trying to find her spot in the family, make this house feel like home.  On the other hand we have these three girls who already know which button to push on which sister to get the desired result.  But they have been kind, gentle and (most of the time) patient.  They have helped with homework, explained words, looked at pictures, played countless games outside.

Today I was thinking that each of us, while we are feeling like things are moving in a very positive direction, there is still some mourning going on.  Each of has different things that we are mourning.  The three are mourning the loss of the family as it was, space has been infringed on, time has been infringed on.  Daria has to be mourning so many things, everything that was normal is gone.  She has no single blood relative within 6000 miles.  Her native language is rarely heard.  The food is all different, the smells too.  For Jamie and I we mourn certain things too, anytime you disrupt what is normal, make a huge life change, you are going to loose certain things.  But those things that are lost are replaced each time we build a new memory or share an experience for the first time.  I think I can say for all of us, that we would do it again.  Figuratively of course...we have no plans to do this again.

In addition to yesterday being the day both Jamie and I went home, it was also 3 months to the day of our 1st SDA appointment.  Boy has life changed since then...in so many ways.  When we arrived in Kiev, the temperature hung right around the -23 degree mark for days...weeks actually.  Now I am home sporting some pretty ridiculous tan lines.  A variation of a farmers tan, I call it the track runners mom tan.  Kind of burnt more on the right side than the left and then there is the tops of my knees and the flip flop marks on the tops of my feet...pictures wouldn't do it justice, just embarrass me and my kids.

We have jumped back into the catering mode with our first two weddings of the year last weekend.  It felt good to get back into it, even though I must admit I was a bit rusty.  This weekend we have a big event, no wedding but we are catering for two families who's sons are being ordained as Catholic priests.  Honestly, never been to an ordination before.  But I love it when we get to do something different.  Should be fun.  Then we have one weekend off before the craziness of memorial day weekend where we have two weddings, graduation with all the parties we need to attend and the BolderBoulder.

Emma ran her first BolderBoulder when she was 11 and has finished in the top 20 of her age group every year.  This year her dad will run it with her again, well not really with her.  She will start in the 6th wave, he in the 21st wave.  So really, they will drive to the start together and then Emma will wait for him at the finish.  Last year her mile pace was right at 2 minutes per mile faster than his.  I suppose I should shut up, he is running while I go sit on my butt in Folsom field and wait for them to finish.

Last weekend Lily ran her first 5k and did great finishing in second place for her age group.  She will run her next 5k this weekend and then another the first Saturday of June.  Other than that, she is still busy with music and softball where she is hoping to be a pitcher this year.

Annabelle has been busy baking, tonight it was coke cupcakes and margarita cupcakes.  Both were yummy.  Tomorrow we have to frost them so that they are ready for a birthday party on Friday night.  That kid can cook, now if I could just get her to clean up after herself...like mother, like daughter!  She is busy with all of her end of year projects which will include her POL presentation.  That has her a bit stressed but her attitude has been great about it.  Daria is one of her "examples" of people or items that have been significant in her middle school career.

Emma has her conference track meet tomorrow and then state next weekend.  She is trying to finish up a project that documents our adoption experience and journey.  It will include a video interview with Jamie and I, lots of pictures and statistics.   It is cool to see how the kids are using this experience in school and I can't wait to see how it impact others.

Daria is still busy riding the bike and taking the dog for walks.  We want to get her involved in some activities of her own this summer.  She says she has played golf and likes it.  Another thought was martial arts.  Next fall maybe we will venture into the world of team sports with soccer.

I had an observation today.  Daria was running around the house, literally.  The entire time she was talking to the cat and every word was English.  I have not once heard her revert to Russian.  When I was in Ukraine and I was trying to communicate, I would find myself trying to use more simple words but they were always English, never Russian.  I was impressed by this.   She is still happy and smiling and generally settling in.

A couple of other sweet bonding moments happened over the past week.  Daria and Lily were both with me when Jamie told me that his dad had died.  Lily immediately started cry and went straight to her dad.  Daria stood there for about 3 seconds before she too went to hug daddy.  It was genuine and sweet.  Then on Saturday morning, Lily left early to go run her race and I was being lazy just lying in bed.  Before long there was  a little knock at the door and in popped Daria.  She came straight over to the bed and climbed in.  She didn't stay long but the fact that she was willing to climb in did not go unnoticed.  She has only been in our room maybe 5 times in the few short weeks she has been here.

So this week was the week of going home.  A sweet man going home to be with Jesus.  Both my husband and I taking our own trip back down that Country Road...I can't speak for him, but for me it was a sweet journey.  Refreshing to my soul.  A road I will never tire of traveling.

Looking Through the Windshield and the Rearview

Ok, ok, ok...I get it!  So some of you aren't happy with this once a week update.  But honestly, life is so much more complicated here at home.  Please...do not misunderstand me.  I am in no way complaining.  I am still relishing literally every moment of being home.  Even the petty bickering doesn't bother me the way it used to.  It is just the constant movement, taking kids to school, picking kids up from school, music lessons, softball practice, track practice, meeting with clients, meeting with more clients, track meets, school music showcases and music recitals, car shopping, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, more grocery shopping...these girls eat a lot!  Cooking, cleaning and oh, did I mention the laundry...5 women in one house equals a whole bunch of laundry.  But I might add that the one boy in the house generates more than his fair share of dirty laundry, softball clothes, work clothes, those nasty socks that are so cleverly deposited in the laundry after mowing the lawn.  Just sayin, we girls might generate a lot of laundry but what he produces is so, so much nastier!

I find myself looking back almost as much as I look ahead.  Looking at life through windshield in light of the rearview mirror.  I am where I am right now because of the events of the past, nearly 3 months.  I can't believe where I have been and even more...I can't believe where I have come.  And even more than that, I can't wait to see where I am in the weeks ahead.   God is Good.

Part of me can't believe that I am actually home.  That I actually did it and am home with the little girl that God had in mind for us.  Yet at the same time, it already seems like a lifetime ago.  I look at the current temperatures in Ukraine and can't believe that it is the same place that I was just 2 short weeks ago.

There were several bombings last week in a city that we traveled through on multiple occasions.  Again, I see God's hand in it and am so thankful that He protected us.  We traveled in some crazy vehicles...yet we were safe.  We never got sick, not really sick.  We never got hurt.  Our safety was never in question, at least as far as we knew.  Our girls back home were safe, healthy.

As I walked around our house, it was obvious that we had to get some new family photo's done.  I can't imagine being part of a family yet seeing no pictures of myself anywhere in sight.  So last week we went and did just that.  Family photo's are always an adventure right.  Full of stress and tension.  But we did it, we survived despite Daria being convinced that she was going to starve to death.  I can't wait to share some photos when we get them back.  For now, you are stuck with my pictures...sorry.

So many questions about life as we know it now, right?  Has Daria started school?  Yes, one week in and she is doing great.  She has made many friends including Fiona, Kaitrin, Markli, Sarah and Daisy.  She comes straight into the house and goes to work on her homework.  She did her math homework, which consisted of 5 word problems.  Not only did she get it done quickly, she got it done right without any help from us.

How is her English?  Amazing, we have only used Google translate 2 times.  Each day her vocabulary just expands.  She is always able to get her point across as are we.

Is she homesick?  By all appearances, NO.  We really need to call her grandma but we have not found ourselves at home very often at a time that would find grandma awake.

How are the other 3 doing with the transition?  Again, Amazing.  They have been all-stars.  Emma took Lily and Daria to the store tonight, partly to get a t-shirt that Emma needed for school but partly to get earrings for Daria.  Unfortunately, Emma figured out on the way home that while Daria's ears "had" been pierced, they have since closed.  Now it looks like we will be going to Claire's, and oh, how I hate Claire's, to get her ears "re" pierced.  Annabelle, the please don't touch me kid...well, she allows hugs from Daria with no protest, and doesn't complain when Daria makes her way into her room early in the morning on a weekend.  So far, Lily has been the biggest all-star.  She has had to make the most changes and feels the impact constantly.  They have all been gracious, kind, compassionate and patient.

How is she eating?  Pretty good.  She loves American cheese burgers, despite the Russian cartoon she keeps showing us depicting the big buff guy eating an American cheeseburger and immediately ballooning up into a big fat dude, she thinks it is very funny.  However, the mayonnaise on spaghetti last night was a bit much for me.

What does she like best about our house so far?  Bo (the dog) an Pumba (the cat), don't worry, I don't take it personally.  What are her favorite things to do?  Take Bo for walks and ride her bike.

What is her favorite American saying?  Ironically, it is "one sec."  Which is also Emma's favorite saying.  So much so that we have threatened to get her personalized license plates that say just that, one sec.  That made me laugh.

Her English is so good that sometimes I take for granted that she understands what I am saying.  Like tonight when she finished her dinner (and oh by the way she wasn't hungry, yet cleaned her plate) I asked her to put her plate in the dishwasher.  She politely told me "no thank you."  I said, "no really Daria, please put your plate in the dishwasher."  Again, "no thank you."  Then, in true Tiffany form, bright as usual, I figure out that she has no idea what I am asking.  Keep in mind that this is after Jamie tells her that she isn't going to be able to ride her bike if she doesn't put her plate in the dishwasher.  Once I got up off my lazy backside and showed her what I was saying, it was of course no problem.

With school, for the most part this has been a really positive experience.  With the exception of one uptight "specials" teacher who really needs to let the belt out a notch or two.  On day one Jamie and I took her to her class before the bell.  Just like the airport, she led the way, a step or three ahead of us all the way.  All her classmates knew that she was starting that day and it was priceless watching them look through the window, anxiously awaiting the bell.  They made her welcome posters and her new teacher, Mr. Book was great showing her the ropes.

On day two, when I pulled up at school I asked her if I could walk her to her class door.  Her response, NO!  Really, no?  I was proud and heartbroken all at the same time.  I think I walked Emma to her class for a good year.

She still doesn't call me anything.  So today when she asked for water, I told her I would be happy to give it to her is she asked either Tiffany or Mom, "can I have my water?"  She never did, so I never gave her her water.  She is good about calling the girls by name so I am sure we will get there.  I am also sure that it is weird.  Who are we really?

Last Friday, Jamie took me to my first Colorado Rockies game of the year.  It was perfect!  Even the drunk idiot behind us couldn't put a damper on our evening when he sneezed and poured his beer down Jamie's back.  Guess that is because it wasn't my back right?  He eventually was escorted out, we, well we enjoyed a great Rockies victory on a nearly perfect Colorado spring evening.

Today we went to the Zoo.  Daria's first American zoo experiences.  It was a perfect day for it.  Temperatures in the upper 70's, light clouds and no wind.  Ahhhhh.  We saw all the monkey clan, everyones favorites.  Tigers, or as Daria referred to them, Pumba's.  She even told me that she wants a hamster for her birthday.  I don't really know how to break it to her that the only pre-nup that Jamie and I had was that there would be no reptiles or rodents as pets.  One thing at a time right.

We had our first party since returning from Ukraine.  Two of our favorite families came out on Sunday for some food and fun.  The laughter of the kids and a little good spirited fun between the adults was priceless.

The catering season is off and running with our first event of the season last night.  Nothing big, just a corporate dinner for 18.  But it is a good test run, so to speak.  We kick things off in earnest this Saturday with our first wedding.  It is looking like a good season ahead, with over 30 events on the books and more to come.  I can't wait to jump back in on Saturday.  In May alone we have 7 events, plus one state track meet, one 8th grade formal and presentation, several softball games, a 4th grade field trip followed by the elementary field day, graduation and the parties that go along, and I still haven't had a haircut or my nails done in 14 weeks.  Oh, yea and in order to get Daria covered by our insurance we have to have a physical and then drop all the "original" documents off at the insurance company.  Then we have the dental appointments that need to happen for several girls.  Wow...I am thinking that looking at the calendar to far in advance might just be a bad thing.

Insurance, well that is a funny thing right now.  While Emma's car was totaled by the insurance and since replaced.  I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I am pretty sure that we are going to be cancelled.  Too many claims...one hail, one flood (oh, so very expensive), and one totaled car.  Then there is the claim that wasn't claimed...classic Colorado micro-burst last August that claimed one tree, one window and one perfectly good pair of curtains.

So they say that things come in three's, right?  Between my car....$3,000 in repairs last month.  Emma's car...totaled=purchase of a new car.  Then there is the little detail of the guy who hit Emma "retaining an attorney," Frankin D. Azar and Associates.  Are we done now?  I don't really think so, Jamie's dad is failing pretty rapidly, which is heartbreaking.

But.....we feel so blessed.  While our (my) time in Ukraine was anything but easy, efficient, or fast the transition so far on the state side has been so much better than we could have ever expected.  We do not fool ourselves by thinking that this is going to be a cake walk.  There is no way that there will not be issues, big issues that come up in the future.  Some of those issues could even be with the three bio kids that we already had.  For now, we are simply thankful.  Thankful that we are all together, thankful that Daria is adapting so well, thankful that the other three have been all-stars and for me, thankful that I am NOT in Ukraine.

So here is a funny one for you.  I actually miss a few things about Ukraine.  While in Nikopol, I stayed in an apartment of a lovely lady and her husband.  They actually moved out so that I could move in.  She looked so much like Sygourney Weaver and by what I could pick up on, her husband was a former miliarty man, serving in possibly the Russian Navy in a submarine.  The kindness and gentleness in her eyes was unmistakable.  Anyway, they had this bed, really a couch that the top cushion flipped over to make a large bed.  While the bed itself had much to be desired, I miss the pillows.  They weighed, really...like 10 pounds.  All feathers, a big square pillow.  My head would sink right into it.  Really the pillows in general in Ukraine were like that.  Heavy, lovely.  Then there were these pastries, light, flaky and filled with cherries...yum!  I miss a few precious people I met....Tara and Karen to be specific.  Random, crazy car alarm...I don't miss you.  And those crazy wild dogs...don't miss your night time barking either.

Lily and I were talking today about our experience in Ukraine.  Annabelle, Jamie and I have done the same.  It is so strange really.  Part of it is still so raw, so real that I have a hard time believing that it is behind me.  Yet part of it seems like a life time ago.  Even though we have only been home just over 2 weeks.  We have done SO much in these two weeks.  Yet again, we have lightened our load too.  I have made a bunch of dinners.  Tonight I made BBQ chicken, home made biscuits, dill roasted potatoes and tomato, mozzarella salad.  One of the girls asked me when we were going to have a "normal" dinner.  Meaning the old standby, pasta.  We have been out to eat once and gotten pizza once, otherwise...I have been cooking.  Lily actually went to school and told her teach how nice it was having a "mommy."  I help with lunches, make dinner and have even managed a couple of breakfasts....go figure.

While I am truly loving being a full time mom, I have to admit that I miss the cafe and the church.  I miss my coworkers and my customers.  These are all people that I have spent the past 9 years growing with.  I miss the social connection and the support.  I don't want to go back full time, but I would love to work a day or two a week.  I think when summer hits, the girls will appreciate that as well.  Just saying, I am a doer...much more effective when I am busy.  It has been hard being away from something that has been such a part of me for so many years.

When Jamie and I went to the baseball game last week, I went to grab dinner for us, he went to get tickets.  As I was walking back through the city to meet him, it struck me.  Wow, I am once again walking through a city.  A densely populated city, with many people making their way by foot.  Most headed to the game, others just trying to get out of the city and make their way home.  But here I was, alone, walking once again through a city.  And wow, it was so very different.  While to a certain degree a city is a city.  There is dirt, homelessness, noise, congestion.  Yet the difference this time is that I could understand EVERYTHING that was going on around me.  The drunk homeless guy that the fire department was trying to help, I got it.  The street signs, I could read.  The voices around me, I understood.  It was the first time I had really walked since I got home.  That in and of its self was a bit strange.  Walking was my mode of transportation for 10 weeks.  Walk to the market, walk to the subway, walk to the SDA, walk to the orphanage...walk.  I think that is why my back felt so much better over there.  That or the pillows.

As I talk about the walking, I can't help but think about the shoes.  For the first 6 weeks, I literally wore the same pair of snow boots every single day.  When I came home for the "4 day" turnaround, I refused to take those boots back with me.  I knew I needed to take boots, the ice and snow had yet to fully melt, I couldn't stand to take the same ones with me.  Since I have been home, I have made my way through a good portion of the shoe line up.  Trust me, we aren't there yet but we are well on our way.  I have worn wedges, flip flops, sneakers, cute flats and my Tom's.  Ah, variety!  Same applies for clothes.  I have yet to put on any of the jeans or shirts that make the trip.  In fact, not all of the stuff even came home with me.  Rough environment for a clothes/shoes girl.

I have to say we are settling into a routine.  We are identifying certain little traits, but nothing that is hugely alarming as of yet.  I can't say enough about Emma, Annabelle or Lily.  Emma and Annabelle are both creating projects for school that center around our adoption journey.  Annie has welcomed Daria into her room (her personal & private space) to listen to music.  Emma has helped her with homework and taken her shopping.  All of them have played soccer & softball, jumped on the tramp, taken walks or bike rides.  But so far Lily is the real champ.  Not only is she sharing a room, they are in the same grade.  Lily is very watchful of Daria, making sure she knows where she is at all times.  She has to share her toys, her stuff...and has very little break.  I have hardly ever heard her tell Daria no, which has meant a lot of throwing a ball, riding of bikes, walking with dogs, jumping on the tramp, kicking a soccer ball, playing the wii...you name it, she has done it.  And trust me, it isn't alway easy.  We have had a couple of little conflicts, but Lily handles it like a superstar.  Super proud of all the girls.  This isn't easy for any of them, including Daria.

We have been talking about our experience, all of us.  Tonight, for the first time we included Daria in that conversation.  I am pretty confident that I need to do something with this story.  I just don't know what yet.  For now, I will keep writing as I feel led.  No restriction to once a week, read it if you want and I will post as it comes.  For now, we just keep on keepin on.  Enjoying the journey.

So while I am focused on my view out the windshield, I can't help but reflect on the view in my rearview mirror.  Both are so profound, both so full of adventure.  Hopefully the one out the windshield has bit less "crazy" and a bit more "confidence."  Not the comfortable kind of confidence, I don't really ever want to be "comfortable" again.  But maybe just a little less "un" with the comfortable.  The kind of comfort that I might be able to offer others, my girls included.  The kind of confidence that I might be able to share to inspire other to go further than they thought possible, endure more than they ever thought they could and make a greater impact for the kingdom than they ever thought imaginable.  If I can do, so can you.  And while the temptation is great to linger in the rearview, hope in is in the future.  I plan to use the past to empower my future...how about you?

I do plan to write more about my experiences of the past, only in terms of what that can do for the future.  Honestly, I do not ever, EVER, want to forget the experiences that got me to where I am today.  But at the same time, life is for living...in the now, for the kingdom, for the future.

Enough of the rearview...it is time to look out the windshield.